Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Why I Don't Like Doctors

As a warning, this is a depressing post. I've been thinking about it a lot, it's been bothering me, and I think I'll just put it out there.
I just found out my mother wants me to go to the doctor next Tuesday when I'm home for Jbreak. I really don't like going to the doctor. My stomach ties itself in knots, I get sweaty and shaky, and generally feel like shit. Really, I'm getting anxious thinking about having to go to the doctor next week as it is. I need a little more time to prepare.
I used to not mind going to the doctor. When I was very young, under 7, our pediatrician was Dr. Rock and all my memories of him are good. He would let me hang on to my bear, Griz, when I was getting shots which was nice.
Unfortunately.. when I was in 8th or 9th grade I had a not so nice experience with the doctor. In order to play softball on the school team, I needed to have a physical. So my mom schedules an appointment, and we go to the doctor. The female doctor I normally saw wasn't there and the only doctor available was a guy who was doing some temporary work at the clinic.
Anyways. So we go in and he starts asking the usual general health questions, and tests my reflexes and vision and looks in my ears. He listens to my heart with the stethoscope. Instead of putting it down the back of my shirt like the other doctor, he put it on my chest. That was when I started to feel uncomfortable. He asked me to lay down on the table, and does the thing where they press on your abdomen to check for weird stuff. Or whatever it's for. Then he tells me he has to check my genitals, since I've started menstruating. And.. yeah. He puts on a glove, pulls down my underwear and touches the labia. He put a finger inside me. It was.. not ok. I felt horrible. He stopped, took off the glove, told me I could head back to my mother in this really cheerful voice. I get up, go back out to my mom and just kinda sit there. The doctor comes out later, I don't know how long, and gives the information sheet to my mother saying I have a clean bill of health.
I never told my mother. I really tried hard to forget it. I managed to all through high school until I got to college and got involved in feminist and queer activism. Even then I didn't really talk about it. I told a few people. I just didn't want to deal with. I still really haven't. I'm still utterly terrified of doctors. I haven't been able to go to the gynecologist yet, even one who's a woman. I just get freaked out. You'd think I'd be able to work past that. *sigh* Well. This is enough depressing blogging for now. I'm gonna go enjoy the sun.

1 comment:

Quaking Aspen said...

Oh Dyl-Dyl I'm so sorry :-( That is terrible.

Call me if you ever need to talk!