more stuff i've been thinking about

Ok, so this is gonna be another one of those tranny posts. I seem to be making a lot of them lately, but I've been thinking about it a lot so I suppose the tranny posts will happen. I am currently reading "Sex Changes: Transgender Politics" by Patrick Califia, and it's giving me a lot to think about. The chapter about violence, legal battles, all of that depressing stuff made me tear up.

Honestly, I am getting a little overwhelmed. I feel like I'm stuck. Not stuck in the wrong body, just stuck. I got to a point where I was able to say yes, I want to have top surgery and now I need to wait to save up the money, get the letter, schedule the surgery, all of that. It will be several years, at the least.

I feel like I am thinking about it all the time and it's starting to feel detrimental to my ability to function. Sometimes I just want to put it all away for a few years, and then when I have more resources, dust off the whole tranny thing and worry about all of this then. I don't think I can continually rehash money, family issues, surgery, therapy, legal issues, all of it and be ok. I'm exhausted by continually questioning myself.

End result, I don't think I'm gonna finish the Califia book right now. Instead I'm going to re-read the Golden Compass. Or maybe watch crappy TV and knit.

drive through banking

I have to say that the best part of my day was when I went to deposit my paychecks at the bank in the drive through. I drive up, put my deposit slip and checks into the little canister, they whoosh away and the bank teller does her bank teller thing. On a sidenote, when I was little I thought the whooshing canister system was the coolest thing ever. It seemed like something out of a fantasy/sci-fi book and I wanted one in our house so my brother and I could zoom messages to each other.
Anyways, so the bank teller gets me stuff out, gets the cash back for me and says "is there anything else I can do for you today?"
"No, that's all, thank you"
"Is Amy in the car with you, sir?"
"No, that's me.."
At this point the bank teller, stands up and kinda peers over the edge of the counter inside the bank, looks at me really hard, and you can see the lightbulbs going off in her head.
"Oh! Well, I'm sorry, you know these intercoms and all... well.. have a nice day!"
I pull away, laughing extremely hard. I'm pretty sure the people in the lane next to me thought I was a little psychotic.

I also had a really good conversation with my sister today. She just got her temporary license and she likes to drive whenever she can. My parents are going out to dinner this evening with some friends, so Natalie and I went to subway for dinner, then got coffee at Starbucks before driving over to drop her off at her friend's house. Anyways, we talked and had a real conversation. About Rob, about driving, about alcohol and drugs actually, about the boy she dated for three weeks this summer (woah high school drama), and about our parents. It was really enjoyable because usually all I can get out of her are monosyllabic answers or rants about "why do you have to be so weird."
I'll leave you with some direct quotes from our conversation. =)
Natalie: Your shifter is so difficult to use sometimes.
Me: It's easier if you hold it from the bottom instead of manhandling it from the top.
N: I like manhandling things
Me: You would.
N: I am like, all over your car.
And then we don't get out coherent words for a few minutes cause we are laughing too much.

one year back from tanzania

A year ago today I returned from my semester study abroad in Tanzania. Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about it. I was re-reading the blog I wrote when I was there, just remembering and thinking. I learned a lot from my experience, but how could I not? I learned about the World Bank, the IMF, East African history. I learned some swahili, I learned that I don't live as simply as I think I do, I learned how to wash my clothes well by hand. I learned what it feels like to be a visible minority, but this was complicated by white supremacy. I also learned how to empty out the nicotine from a cigarette and remove the filter to use the paper for other purposes, =) I learned that I don't need computers nearly as much as I think I do. I learned a lot of other things, but I need to cut off this train of thought somewhere and here's a good place.

I have learned a few things since I've gotten back though too, from my own experiences and talking with the other people on my program. I decided to make a list because sometimes lists are just satisfying.

1. You can only tell "one time in Tanzania" stories so many times. And then you have to stop or you become that person who always talks about study abroad and is kinda annoying and snooty about it.
2. While it is different to go from being in Tanzania to being in the United States, not much has changed while you were gone. They had huge interstates, grocery stores, malls and hot water when you left, don't be so surprised when you get back.
3. Cultural relativism is harder to detect in your own culture. Also, cultural relativism is one of the those words you whip out when you are trying to impress your family.
4. No matter how many times you remind them, some people will never remember that you went to Tanzania, they will always remember that you went to Africa.
5. Don't idealize your study abroad experience. It's not healthy for you, for people you talk to, or for your ideas about the global community.

Anyways. Here's to hoping I keep learning more about what it means to be a wealthy white American in our crazy world.

oh the weather

I really miss the sun. I mean, the sun still rises every day and all that, but I miss having more sunlight in the day. This weekend I've really just felt like sleeping all the time, and I've been feeling grouchy. It's probably also a combination of the end of the semester, going home, feeling stressed, all that stuff.
Speaking of going home, I'm a little nervous about it. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I believe that part of my anxiety about it is that I feel my parents think I'm just going through a tranny phase. I feel like I have to keep bringing it up with them, and I don't really know how. I don't know how to talk to them about it. I understand they need time to adjust and all, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel kind of invisible to them. Not to mention, I want to tell them that I've picked out a name. I want to tell my brother and my sister, but I can't imagine that they would take it well. Rob might be ok with it, but Natalie? I have no idea how she'd react.
And hell, sometimes I wonder if I'm just going through a tranny phase. And if so, how do I explain that? "Sorry everyone, I was just kidding" doesn't really seem to cut it. I am so scared of losing.. something.. if I transition. I'm not even sure what it is I'm scared of losing. I'm worried that I'll have to date straight women for one thing. And I don't want to do that. Maybe I just took the easy way out of having low self esteem by blaming it on gender. Or maybe I just read so much in the HQ section, and in classes and just adopted it because it seemed cool, or because it would make people like me, or think I was interesting?
Either way. There are things that I am looking forward to over break. Playing guitar with Sumner, hanging out with friends from high school, seeing the stage crew guys again, going to the cities, New Year's Eve. I just have to make myself actually get my school work done first! =)

The Golden Compass

If you haven't read the book The Golden Compass, feel free to attend the movie. You will probably find it enjoyable, though perhaps slightly confusing. If you have read the book, you might want to reconsider.
The movie is visually very beautiful, and the effects are very well done. But unfortunately the movie falls short in the plot and following the book department. I do understand that when they make books into movies they have time restrictions and all of that jazz. But to end the movie at a point that is about 1/8 of the way from the end of the book? I feel bereft, and slightly cheated.
Yes, the movie does hit all of the major plot points. Yes, it is technically well done. But I feel like by adding even half an hour to finish the plot, or by using that half an hour to explore some of the more intricate aspects of the plot in the book, the film would have been better.
I guess the lesson is that I should never expect as much out of a movie as I do out of a book.
His Dark Materials, the trilogy that The Golden Compass starts was one of the most influential books in my teenage years. I remember doing pursuit book club discussions on it, and being extremely excited when the next two books, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass, came out. The books challenged my rather basic undeveloped beliefs about god, free choice, and the ideas of good and evil. The books are wonderful. And the protagonist is a brave, intelligent girl which is really rare even today in fiction.
Either way. This isn't an extremely coherent or thought out post. I just wanted to get out a little of my irritation at the movie. But really, it's ok, because it's just a movie.

caf entertainment

I had a hilarious meal with three of my cluster mates, Athena, Seth and Jasmine. Special highlights included discussion about vaginal mucus, removable sphincters, Xena subtext, anal expulsive personalities and an in depth discussion on how Wooblies reproduce.
In case you are wondering, Wooblies reproduce by one Woobly putting done a coating of mucus, then another Woobly putting done another coating. Then a plant grows out of the mucus and blossoms into a baby Woobly.
After that we were walking back to Farwell and decided it might be a good idea to roll chunks of ice and snow down the hill. And it was. There really is nothing quite as entertaining as an after dinner snow rolling competition.
Ok, yes, we were being ridiculous and probably a little immature, but that's ok. I laughed so hard I shot water out my nose.

the queer zoo

Today was the annual GLBT discussion in Harv Klevar's American Diversity class. Some of you may be familiar with these lovely sessions. Harv puts us up at the front of the class, we talk about our coming out stories, the class stares at us or avoids looking at us, it strongly resembles a zoo exhibit. Usually they make me feel like I'm whoring out my queerness for money. Which I guess is kinda what happens, we talk and Harv gives pride money..

Anyways. So today I was actually pleasantly surprised by the discussion. For one thing, at pride when we were asking for volunteers we decided that we didn't want to take forever telling our coming out stories. We wanted the class to be structured more as an organic discussion than as us queers telling the heteros how life is. We also made sure to clarify that our experiences are ours and ours alone. We don't and can't speak for anyone else's choices or experiences. We also were upfront about the fact that we wanted to field questions from the class.

The results were good, at least in the hour I went to. We got asked questions about Luther, how we interact with conservatives or people who think homosexuality is morally wrong, when we knew we were queer. One question that was really insightful was how important is the gay community at Luther to our lives, and whether or not we feel isolated from the rest of the student body. Honestly, I don't. I feel integrated into the Luther community. I don't feel like I have to hide anything about myself to feel accepted anywhere on campus.

I got asked some questions about trans stuff too. Like, after I have surgery will I date straight girls or gay girls. Also just nuts and bolts questions about surgery and the whole SRS process. And questions about binding.

In the end, I think it was fairly successful. I hope that the class was able to actually see us as people instead of tokens, and realize that our queerness doesn't encompass our entire identity, it is only a part of our identities. I also realized that in past years, I think what has made me uncomfortable has been how Klevar interacts with us, as if we are representative of all queers, and as if we are somehow inherently different people with inherently different culture than heteros. But it was a good experience this time. And pride got $100 for it so hurray.