Back at Luther, Day One

Today I have been a getting things done machine. First off, I got up and went for a walk around town, which is lovely, albeit a little cold and windy. I cleaned my room a little bit, which was necessary. I played my guitar a little bit and wrote most of a song, it needs a little work. Then I went to class, which was an interesting experience.

I am taking a Paideia Capstone course called "Osama, Obama and Clinton: Race, Gender and Nationalism in U.S. Politics." It is taught by Kim Powell and Pamela Cook, so it should be a good time. They both love to assign readings though, so I will have much more work this Jterm than last Jterm. Last Jterm I took Recording Original Music and basically got to play guitar all January. Anyways, the course basically examines the construction of race, gender and nationality in U.S. politics, focusing on the 2008 presidential elections. The first half of the course we are examining the political concepts of freedom, citizenship, equality and democracy. The second half of the course we are digging into election topics, such as health care, education, environment, national security, policies in the Middle East, etc. We were divided up into small groups, and each group is responsible for following one candidate and learning about their position on every issue. My group's candidate is Fred Thompson. Woohoo.

After class I went to the Union, bought my one book for the course, and visited the Diversity Center. I got to be part of a student group trying to convince a woman who is finishing her doctoral work in sociology to come teach at Luther for a year next year. She seemed like a very intelligent person. She'll be graduating from UW-Madison, and focusing on comparative sociology. Her doctoral work was comparing museums in the U.S. and in South Africa, looking at what gets exhibited, the politics behind exhibitions, the historical context of the situations documented, etc.

So far this evening I have
1. Sent a CD to a friend
2. Sent out all of the reference forms to my references
3. Printed off my readings for tomorrow
4. Watched a few youtube speeches to prepare for the caucus
5. Watched my sister march in the high school band in the London New Year's Parade. They rocked. Or maybe I should say "rawked." Either way, it was good stuff.
6. Called my parents
- took care of my psychiatric bill from when I went to Gundersen Lutheran
- they are mailing me my landlord letter that I forgot
- checked in with them about the dogs and such
7. Procured a summer job. I will be working for Ruth, I get to be Rex's nanny for the summer. I am very excited. I will get paid to play outside all summer. I will still need to get a 10 hour a week job at Luther in order to get the discounted housing rate, but that shouldn't be a problem. I can just work evenings and weekends in the cafeteria. Or I can do custodial work.

So. Now it is 5:20 in the evening. I am going to start on my readings and do that for an hour before going over to Valders to get my caucus on. In case you were interested, I will be caucusing for Kucinich first, and if he is not a viable candidate, I will then be caucusing for Obama.

more stuff i've been thinking about

Ok, so this is gonna be another one of those tranny posts. I seem to be making a lot of them lately, but I've been thinking about it a lot so I suppose the tranny posts will happen. I am currently reading "Sex Changes: Transgender Politics" by Patrick Califia, and it's giving me a lot to think about. The chapter about violence, legal battles, all of that depressing stuff made me tear up.

Honestly, I am getting a little overwhelmed. I feel like I'm stuck. Not stuck in the wrong body, just stuck. I got to a point where I was able to say yes, I want to have top surgery and now I need to wait to save up the money, get the letter, schedule the surgery, all of that. It will be several years, at the least.

I feel like I am thinking about it all the time and it's starting to feel detrimental to my ability to function. Sometimes I just want to put it all away for a few years, and then when I have more resources, dust off the whole tranny thing and worry about all of this then. I don't think I can continually rehash money, family issues, surgery, therapy, legal issues, all of it and be ok. I'm exhausted by continually questioning myself.

End result, I don't think I'm gonna finish the Califia book right now. Instead I'm going to re-read the Golden Compass. Or maybe watch crappy TV and knit.

tiny revelations

Today when I was walking to the Union to drop off some mail and eat before class I got hit with a big gust of wind and I realized all of the sudden that I am alive. This might seem a little obvious, but it's also something that I've forgotten somehow. I had forgotten how wonderful bodies are, that I somehow start a signal in my brain, which travels down my spinal cord to my legs and tells them to move, that my lungs breathe air, that my heart beats. Then there's the fact that we have the capability to learn, and to create. The fact that humanity can create music, art, literature, philosophy, architecture. Remembering that floors me in a way that reminds me of how I felt about god when I was younger, which now I realize was not so much feelings of joy about god, but joy in being alive.
After my little revelation this morning, I was trying to think back in my childhood to the first moment I remember being alive. The first moment that I was self-aware of my existence. I haven't remembered it yet, and I don't know if I ever will. Either way, it's good to think about. I've remembered a lot of little events in childhood I didn't remember before. Like laying on the hill behind our house in Illinois looking at constellations and feeling vertigo, like I could go spinning off into space.
This evening I was walking across campus and realized again how amazing it is that the gravitational pull of the earth keeps the moon in orbit, and causes the waxing and waning of moon, and that the moon causes tides, and that the earth orbits the sun, and that our solar system orbits in our galaxy, which is speeding through the universe. Crazy.