oh the weather

I really miss the sun. I mean, the sun still rises every day and all that, but I miss having more sunlight in the day. This weekend I've really just felt like sleeping all the time, and I've been feeling grouchy. It's probably also a combination of the end of the semester, going home, feeling stressed, all that stuff.
Speaking of going home, I'm a little nervous about it. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I believe that part of my anxiety about it is that I feel my parents think I'm just going through a tranny phase. I feel like I have to keep bringing it up with them, and I don't really know how. I don't know how to talk to them about it. I understand they need time to adjust and all, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel kind of invisible to them. Not to mention, I want to tell them that I've picked out a name. I want to tell my brother and my sister, but I can't imagine that they would take it well. Rob might be ok with it, but Natalie? I have no idea how she'd react.
And hell, sometimes I wonder if I'm just going through a tranny phase. And if so, how do I explain that? "Sorry everyone, I was just kidding" doesn't really seem to cut it. I am so scared of losing.. something.. if I transition. I'm not even sure what it is I'm scared of losing. I'm worried that I'll have to date straight women for one thing. And I don't want to do that. Maybe I just took the easy way out of having low self esteem by blaming it on gender. Or maybe I just read so much in the HQ section, and in classes and just adopted it because it seemed cool, or because it would make people like me, or think I was interesting?
Either way. There are things that I am looking forward to over break. Playing guitar with Sumner, hanging out with friends from high school, seeing the stage crew guys again, going to the cities, New Year's Eve. I just have to make myself actually get my school work done first! =)

caf entertainment

I had a hilarious meal with three of my cluster mates, Athena, Seth and Jasmine. Special highlights included discussion about vaginal mucus, removable sphincters, Xena subtext, anal expulsive personalities and an in depth discussion on how Wooblies reproduce.
In case you are wondering, Wooblies reproduce by one Woobly putting done a coating of mucus, then another Woobly putting done another coating. Then a plant grows out of the mucus and blossoms into a baby Woobly.
After that we were walking back to Farwell and decided it might be a good idea to roll chunks of ice and snow down the hill. And it was. There really is nothing quite as entertaining as an after dinner snow rolling competition.
Ok, yes, we were being ridiculous and probably a little immature, but that's ok. I laughed so hard I shot water out my nose.

tiny revelations

Today when I was walking to the Union to drop off some mail and eat before class I got hit with a big gust of wind and I realized all of the sudden that I am alive. This might seem a little obvious, but it's also something that I've forgotten somehow. I had forgotten how wonderful bodies are, that I somehow start a signal in my brain, which travels down my spinal cord to my legs and tells them to move, that my lungs breathe air, that my heart beats. Then there's the fact that we have the capability to learn, and to create. The fact that humanity can create music, art, literature, philosophy, architecture. Remembering that floors me in a way that reminds me of how I felt about god when I was younger, which now I realize was not so much feelings of joy about god, but joy in being alive.
After my little revelation this morning, I was trying to think back in my childhood to the first moment I remember being alive. The first moment that I was self-aware of my existence. I haven't remembered it yet, and I don't know if I ever will. Either way, it's good to think about. I've remembered a lot of little events in childhood I didn't remember before. Like laying on the hill behind our house in Illinois looking at constellations and feeling vertigo, like I could go spinning off into space.
This evening I was walking across campus and realized again how amazing it is that the gravitational pull of the earth keeps the moon in orbit, and causes the waxing and waning of moon, and that the moon causes tides, and that the earth orbits the sun, and that our solar system orbits in our galaxy, which is speeding through the universe. Crazy.