insurance websites suck

So I've been trying for the past hour to figure out if trans stuff is covered by my health insurance. It's really aggravating and now I am upset and emotional. I don't enjoy that.
I think the next tactic I am going to use is that I am just going to find out if the doctor that was recommended to me is covered as a provider under the policy, and then make an appointment that way. If he's covered, I should be able to at least have a preliminary visit and see if I can start the process.
I need to talk with my parents again, tell them I'm starting the process. I don't communicate well with them, so this will be interesting.

in other news, I'm going to the augsburg QSU picnic and meetings, so I'll have an LGBTQ group to go to. don't worry luther people, pride will always be first in my heart.

back to work.

more stuff i've been thinking about

Ok, so this is gonna be another one of those tranny posts. I seem to be making a lot of them lately, but I've been thinking about it a lot so I suppose the tranny posts will happen. I am currently reading "Sex Changes: Transgender Politics" by Patrick Califia, and it's giving me a lot to think about. The chapter about violence, legal battles, all of that depressing stuff made me tear up.

Honestly, I am getting a little overwhelmed. I feel like I'm stuck. Not stuck in the wrong body, just stuck. I got to a point where I was able to say yes, I want to have top surgery and now I need to wait to save up the money, get the letter, schedule the surgery, all of that. It will be several years, at the least.

I feel like I am thinking about it all the time and it's starting to feel detrimental to my ability to function. Sometimes I just want to put it all away for a few years, and then when I have more resources, dust off the whole tranny thing and worry about all of this then. I don't think I can continually rehash money, family issues, surgery, therapy, legal issues, all of it and be ok. I'm exhausted by continually questioning myself.

End result, I don't think I'm gonna finish the Califia book right now. Instead I'm going to re-read the Golden Compass. Or maybe watch crappy TV and knit.

morning questions

I'm taking a quick procrastination break from my paper. I thought I'd blog a few questions that have been running through my head today.
Have I made a mistake?
Will I ever find someone like that ever again?
Is the distance worth it?
Was I too hasty?
Why am I such a procrastinator?
Could I skip my classes to finish this paper?
Should I really go to grad school?
I don't think I'm as smart as some people think I am.
Why do I feel the need to lie to my parents sometimes?
Where did I leave my coffee cup?

openness

I've been realizing lately that I have problems opening up to people. I don't have problems making friends, or caring about people. Dont' get me wrong, I care deeply about a lot of people. At the same time I like being able to hold people at a distance, to keep parts of myself from other people. I think it's partially because I'm scared that if I open up to someone completely, I won't have any defenses left. I also think that part of it is also that I have a bad tendency to just close off and shut down when I feel out of control, or threatened, or scared. It feels easier to shut down and not feel anything than to feel hurt.
For example, my dad called today. We talked about the fact that I am flat broke, mainly why I didn't tell my parents I didn't have money. He asked me how I was doing, and I just shrugged it off and said that I'm doing fine. School is busy, but I'm fine. What I really should have said is that I'm going through a rather difficult time emotionally, I have no motivation to finish school right now, I'm trying to talk to people about it so I can work through it and function again but it's difficult for me to ask for help. It's difficult for me to admit that I'm having a hard time. But I didn't. My parents love me, I know this. They managed to survive me coming out to them three different times, which is quite astonishing as it is, and they have always supported me in many many ways. If anything I should be able to open up enough to just say that I'm having a hard time but I'm getting through it. But I couldn't.
And of course the strangest thing is that I'm willing to just throw this up on the internet where anyone can read it. There's something to be said for a sense of anonymity I suppose.