Apologies for the Month-Long Hiatus

It's been one of those long stretches where I don't blog anything for a month, and I'm sorry for that. I also haven't been very good at making and posting videos either. Oops.

I realize that not everyone may be incredibly interested in my navel-gazing around the actual physical changes of transitioning. I totally get that, so I'm gonna start putting stuff like that at the end of posts. I'm still going to include it because I want a record for the future, and it's important to me to mark something that's fairly monumental in my life. In addition, before I started hormones and was first thinking about transitioning, I went online and read other transfolks' blogs like crazy to see what taking hormones was like. Hell, I still search out other transguys blogs and videos to see how fast things change. So if reading about my voice changes, acne, and all of that isn't exactly your cup of tea no worries.

I finished up my year with LC/NA, my Lutheran Volunteer Corps position, on a very strong note. For those of you living outside the Lutheran bubble, the ELCA Churchwide Assembly voted to change policy and allow people in publicly accountable, life-long, monogamous same-gender relationships to become rostered clergy. It was a pretty incredible moment to witness.

Aside from my job, the end of my LVC year was good. I really enjoyed living with my housemates, and I'm pleased that four of the five of us are in the Twin Cities this year. Over the course of the year they became more than just roommates and friends, and we built a strong community together. I'm pleased to count them among people I call family. Frankly, in some ways the end of the year felt anti-climactic. Moving out of Beth Shalom almost felt more like going on a vacation. Going back to lead snack and yak was really one of the first moments that it sunk in on a more visceral level that my LVC year was done. Even so, it wasn't sadness or disappointment or nostalgia. It was more a feeling of a closing of one chapter of my life and the beginning of another.

I do have a job, but frankly, I don't like it. It's at a company that does third party administration of benefits for companies. I don't totally know what's going on and what I'm supposed to be doing. It seems like I push a lot of paper. In addition, I'm having a hard time on the pronoun/gender identity front. I get tired of correcting the same people. I also get tired of the general sense of unease that my coworkers have when I join conversations and talk about Becky in the same way they talk about their spouses. The closed off body language, the refusal to make eye contact with me, the silence when I enter and the buzz of conversation when I leave a room. It wears down on you. And I haven't even been working here for a full pay period yet.

Needless to say, I'm looking for another job. I've set a deadline and if I don't find a job by then, I'm going to resign. It's not worth it for me to continue in a job that I don't care about, in an industry that sustains unequal access to healthcare, around people that don't share my values and aren't open to conversation, and that I come from completely drained emotionally. I want a job that I can work hard at and feel good about.

I'm feeling incredibly stressed and nervous about health insurance. I've been putting off going in for bloodwork because I can't pay it out of pocket, I also can't fill my prescription out of pocket. I won't be out of T really soon, but I'm still getting anxious. The prospect of potentially being slammed with a pre-existing condition is bad enough, but worrying about what happens if I am actually ill and can't get coverage for something unrelated to being trans has also been haunting me. Granted, a lot of that is me worrying about the worst possible scenario. Even so, insurance has been complicating my relationship with my job/job search.


On the transition front, I'm about to finish up my 15th week on testosterone. Changes I've noticed:
- My voice is continuing to drop, and I feel it more in my chest when I'm talking. It's this really pleasant feeling of the sound vibrating more through my chest, just like there's a lot more space.
- I'm growing a lot more body hair. In particular, I've got more underarm hair and more leg hair, and I'm starting to grow more hair on my lower belly.
- I smell more, and not always in pleasant ways.
- In a related vein, I need to be really diligent about washing my face because I am getting acne that is worse than what I had the first time around. Puberty 1.0 I had a few whiteheads and mostly blackheads that were easy to get rid of. Puberty 2.0 I'm getting that annoying angry red acne on my cheeks and along my jaw.
- More muscle mass in my shoulders/arms, which is nice, and helps me feel better about my body.
- More physical energy, and also mental/emotional energy.
- I generally feel better about life, and I feel a lot more stable internally. I'm happier, even with the crappy job I have.

Changes other people have commented on:
- My voice, which is good to know it's not just in my head.
- My face is starting to look more angular.
- My hips are becoming less curvy, more angular. This is really extremely exciting, and after it was pointed out to me I definitely noticed it more, and with great excitement.
- Becky pointed out to me (in a very tactful, nice way) that while I haven't been getting angry or short with anyone else, I've been a lot harder on myself. If I can't get something right the first time, or quickly, I've gotten frustrated by it. This is something I want to be mindful of and correct. I'm glad I haven't gotten short with anyone else, thank goodness, and I want to keep it that way. I want to continue practicing patience and calmness.

Here's my most recent video, it's from my 12th week on testosterone, you can definitely tell there my voice has been dropping, exciting!

hilarious answers to awkward questions that trans people get

new videos

6 weeks on T


8 weeks on T

Video Update!

Youtube was being incredibly slow on Friday. However, I finally got my videos to upload.
I've got my 5 weeks on T update first, then a rambling little video I made on Friday that covers a lot of the same topics.

one week on T update

I haven't really noticed any physical changes at all. Which isn't surprising. My throat has been a little scratchy, but I'm almost 100% certain that that is due to the cold I picked up Saturday at the dog show. I was dumb and only wore a sweater instead of a jacket, and thus got thoroughly soaked and chilled.

Anyways. The shot process itself went fine, I'm slowly shifting the shot to Sundays, so I actually did it last night in the evening. I don't want to deal with bringing a sharp and the vial of T with me to New Orleans when I go in July, hence shifting the day I take T.

First Shot

So puberty 2.0 has officially started!
I went to the clinic yesterday and was taught how to do the self-injection. I did it, all by myself. And then I made a video about it when I got home from work later that day. You can check it out at the bottom of this post.

The first shot was surprisingly really easy. I sat there for a bit, syringe in hand, not sure if I could do it, but the nurse told me to just go for it. It didn't really hurt, and I think I'll get the hang of it really easily. I do need to go buy some alcohol swabs. But other than that I'm all set. I have another appointment in 6 weeks between shots to get blood drawn, then another appointment 2 weeks after that to see the doctor again.

Today I've unfortunately been menstruating. But, according to the doctor, this should be my last one, which is some really fantastic news. If anyone knows how to recycle a used diva cup, let me know, I have one that is gonna be out of commission soon.

phone tag

After playing phone tag for a few weeks, I'm in the system at the place I got referred to for hormones. She's a really great doctor and all, so I'm glad I'm in the system. However, no free appointments until July when I'm gone on a trip for work. So I'll get bumped back into August. They don't even have an August calendar yet.

So I'll call back next week and get an appointment in August. Then I'll probably call every two weeks to see if someone cancels.

I'm excited to finally have my letter and be in the system for hormones, but I'm just really sad that it's a three month wait. I was expecting a 4-6 week wait, not a 12-13 week wait.

Negatives that keep weighing me down:
- I've waited a long time already
- I am terrified of losing my insurance coverage and thus my ability to pay for hormones
- summer is hard enough as it is

Positives that I'm trying to focus on:
- more time for my family, immediate and extended, to adjust to the idea
- I have my letter, I am in the doctor's system, it will happen
- three months isn't that bad in the long run

Maybe will do a video while I'm cooking dinner tonight. Maybe not. We'll see how I'm feeling.

therapy news and SFO news

exciting news in the world of dylan.

i had a therapy appointment yesterday, and it went really well. we talked about the MMPI (minnesota multiphasic personality inventory) that i had taken a week and a half ago. i was really ticked after my consultation with the dude that analyzed my test results because i felt extremely pathologized. realized when i was talking to my therapist that actually the guy didn't find anything dramatically wrong, just that when the test comes back pretty level, they need to report something about you. so yeah, basically what came out of that is that i show high levels of stereotypically masculine interests and behaviors, and that i could potentially work on developing an "appropriate level of selfishness."

end result, i need to make an appointment with dr. thorp and let my therapist know and he'll mail me a letter. so.. ideally i'll be starting hormones by the end of the month. i'm really excited, but it also kind of hasn't hit yet. it's been such a long time that it doesn't completely feel real.. that and i'm paranoid that something will happen with insurance and i'll be fucked and have a ton of medical bills to deal with. i'm nervous about having to switch insurance policies, that whatever i end up getting on will call it a pre-existing condition. but.. things to worry about later.

in other news, last week i was in ohio visiting sumner. we recorded pretty much straight through the week, finishing strong with an all-nighter saturday night, and we emerged with a really nice 5-track EP. we still have a few little changes we want to make after listening to the music once we slept, but once we are done tweaking, i'll put up further information. we're thinking about having a small cd release party in the twin cities in june-ish.

youtube update

nifty new transman mapping project

Through the magic of the internet, it's come to my attention that a wonderful new transman mapping project has been started at Transguys.com. It looks like a really cool little map, and actually led me to mess around with Platial, the website that generates maps like that.

It reminds me of safe2pee.org, and is already growing pretty quickly.

So if you're of the transmale persuasion, even if it's only one facet of your identity, please feel free to sign up. Or just pass this on to anyone you know who might be interested in checking it out or adding themselves.

phone voice

When we were little, my brother and I noted something interesting about our mother. She could be irritated, sad or tired yet without fail when she answered the phone she summoned up this bright, enthusiastic "Hello! This is Sally" followed by an "oh hi!" when the person on the other end identified themselves. We jokingly called it "phone voice" and being the delightful little children we were would mock her for it. Please note the heavy sarcasm. I'm trying to remember to apologize to my parents when I remember some of the things I did as a child that were really extremely obnoxious or rude.

Nonetheless. I work in an office, and many of my friends don't live close enough that I can have long conversations with them in person so I've been talking on the phone more this year. And I realized that I've developed "phone voice." I inadvertently pitch my voice higher, especially when I'm talking to my family, people I don't know very well, or people I haven't talked to in a while. I do a better job staying within my "normal" voice when I'm on the phone with close friends.

There's a couple things that I've been chewing over about this.
1) The fact that I unconsciously pitch my voice higher on the phone sometimes.
2) The fact that I consistently to pitch my voice lower intentionally.
3) The fact that I let it bother me.

Does it really matter what my voice sounds like in the long run? I've done my fair share of transgender navel-gazing. I self-criticize the way I walk, the way I set my shoulders, tuck my butt, minimize hip swaying, try to wear certain types of pants a certain way, layer shirts, choose shirts based on how they fall from the shoulder. I am almost constantly aware of how I hold my hands, cross my legs, tilt my head, suck in the gut. I will stand in front of a mirror and deliberate on different ways of walking to see what hides my hips most. I'll observe my posture, from different angles.

Yes on some level this is what almost all of us do. We all pick out clothes that we feel good in, we observe what we look like. Sometimes I feel like I take it a little overboard and I try to let go.

Back to the "phone voice" then. It bothers me that I do it, because I feel like the phone is one of those places where the only thing people have to go on is my name and my voice. And Dylan isn't really all that feminine of a name, I feel. I know it can be a boy or a girl name but still. Not like Amy. I guess it wouldn't bother me if I didn't pass on the phone in and of itself. I think what is frustrating is that I hear myself modulating higher than I typically talk and I have to sometimes constantly think about my voice.

Anyways. It was just an interesting observation. And won't really be pertinent for long since my estimated start time for hormones is April. In the meantime, if I'm on the phone with you, please don't bring it up. I'm just trying to ignore it.

First Therapy Session

Therapy has begun! I had my first session on Monday afternoon. I ducked out of work early, went home and changed and had some lunch, then hopped on the bus. Stopped at the library to return some books and pay my library fines so the SPPL book police stop chasing me then went to May Day Cafe for fortification in the form of tasty scone before heading over to the appointment.

My therapist's office is in the basement of the house he and some other people live in. You go down the stairs at the side entrance, fill out a form sitting at the bottom of the stairs, then wait for him to show. I was a little early to fill out my insurance information. I'm still a little nervous that insurance won't cover, however I think that's a little silly. I got the necessary permission prior to having the appointment, so it should all go through. I think in general I'm just a little skittish about insurance.

Anyways. We did general first therapy session stuff, talked about how I was feeling, how I was doing in general. Talked about my living situation, my family. Any medications I was on, any hospitalizations. We talked about whether or not I had ever been suicidal or had tried to commit suicide. Talked about the times I've felt most depressed in my life.

Then went on to talk about sexuality and gender identity stuff. When I first noticed gender and sexuality. I talked about my childhood, how my brother and I were really close when I was young and that changed at puberty. How menstruation and puberty sucked in general. How I hated having to wear a bra in 6th grade and how my mom would make me wear one to school and I'd take it off and shove it in my locker in the morning and put it on again before I went home and would wear baggy clothes. How in 8th grade I would completely break down and cry in department stores because of all the mirrors and having to look at myself. Fights about wearing dresses to church. Then the session came to an end.

I really liked him. He is very easy to talk to, and I am comforted that he has experience doing therapy with trans people. I don't feel like I need to educate him about the issues, which is a big relief. I have my next two appointments already scheduled, so hopefully I'll know soon what the general time line for hormones will be. I'm excited, I feel like I'm actually making progress and finally doing something tangible to get rid of these damn breasts and start living in the world as I want to.

.. Oy. Health Care Access Problems.

Reposted from Questioning Transphobia. I know, I know. I should write my own commentary. Oh well. This says pretty much everything I'd say.



So yesterday, the Bush administration yesterday granted sweeping new protections to health workers who refuse to provide care that violates their personal beliefs. Jill at Feministe has pointed out that while this undoubtedly chiefly aimed at women’s reproductive freedoms, this is actually not about abortion–which depressingly already has this exception–but easy access to contraception.

One point I want to make about that, which I’ve stolen from Lee Edelman’s No Future, is that America is being organised around the figure of The Child. Not actual children, let alone the adults those children grow into, but a rhetorical child who must be protected at all costs–from the corrupting influence of gay marriages, porn on the internet etc and who must always be allowed to exist.

The rights of the Child, who is figured as a full person and not as a body of cells or ffs an egg and a sperm, supercedes the rights of adult women to have control over their bodies. Never mind that people (and I want to make the point that it’s not just women, eg some trans men use birth control too. Seriously, pay attention cis feminists and stop making the normative assumption that reproductive health equals het cis woman) use the pill primarily for other health reasons–to regulate their periods, to moderate PMS and PMDD etc etc. And needless to say, The Child does not grow up to be queer, or trans, or sexually active outside the sanctity of marriage. And The Child is clearly normatively white.

But whilst it is clearly aimed at heterosexual cis women, it will have a massive impact on other groups–especially trans men and women.

From the Washington Post:

“The far-reaching regulation cuts off federal funding for any state or local government, hospital, health plan, clinic or other entity that does not accommodate doctors, nurses, pharmacists and other employees who refuse to participate in care they find ethically, morally or religiously objectionable.”

Ok, let that sink in a bit. Care they find ethically, morally or religiously objectionable. Now, where is that going to leave trans people? Sex workers? People they think are drug users (a highly racialized image after all)? People with disabilities?

Like queerness, being trans has been framed by many on the Religious Right as a moral issue. To be trans is to be, by definition, immoral. By situating health care as a “conscience” issue, this law allows transphobic health care workers–not just doctors, but pharmacists, emergency medics etc etc–full license to indulge their bigotry and to not treat us. So, even if you can get through the knife lined obstacle course that is the gatekeeper process and get through to a hormone prescription, the bloody pharmacist might not even give them to you.

We all know health care for trans people is already shitty, let alone giving health care providers carte blanche to treat us worse. Remember Tyra Hunter, who died because firefighters decided not to perform emergency resuscitation on her when they discovered she was trans, and then a doctor at Washington General decided not to treat her. Because she was trans, because she was a woman of color, because she was not a person, she was an “it.” And, because some people consider that our existence is immoral and must be squashed out.

This is a nightmare of a ruling that potentially allows any person in the health-care business to rule that treating trans people goes against their conscience, and when something serious is occuring, you don’t have the time to shop around for someone who will treat you.

And the intersection between transness and race here will be even more deadly. Medicine has a long history of being used against people of color in the US, and this gives health care people legal protections to further that. As Kristin “the mean one on Feministe” just said to me, making the horrid implications of this explicitly clear:

“I didn’t quite make the connection as to why doctors would want to refuse anyone treatment in the context of a miscarriage at first. It just clicked. Why would they want to do that other than to refuse treatment to people they judge to be the “cause” of the miscarriage? You know, people like, say, possible drug users. Or people otherwise marked as “unworthy” of care. Say, homeless people, immigrants… Fuck. I mean, why else would anyone demand that kind of “right”? Fuck fuck fuck… I think this is going to be even more evil in practice than it looks on the surface. If that kind of “protection” becomes a fucking protocol, oh my god… If this becomes widespread… Organized against a specific group, that’s genocidal.”

Updates from Youtube!

My wonderful friend over at jadedjabber pointed out I should embed my youtube videos. So here goes! A brief introduction from early october, then an update from a few days after that about my visit with my dad.

youtube!

As one of my friends has aptly put it, I've gone over to the dark side. I've finally started posting youtube video blog ("vlog") entries. Mainly this is because I want to have a record of my transition, voice, body, etc. I figured starting it pre-T and surgery would be a good idea.
So far I've only posted two, so not that many at all.

I must say, it's kind of weird. For one thing, I don't really know what my voice sounds like, so hearing it back is just kind of strange. Along the same lines, it's interesting to watch a video of myself. I do look at myself in the mirror, but it's usually extremely cursory, just checking to make sure my hair isn't extremely crazy, and that I don't have giant mud streaks or something on my face. I don't really look at myself for long periods of time, and in particular I tend to just look at my face and not the rest of my body.

Either way. If you want to check out the videos, you can find them on youtube, my user name is boydyke12. I'm hoping to update at least once a week, though right now since I'm excited about it all they might be more frequent.

transphobia strikes again!

And transphobia strikes again! Here's excerpts of news article from Vacaville, California.

A teacher’s gender reassignment surgery has caught the attention of some parents who want to know why the school district didn’t notify them ahead of time about the change.

A music teacher at Foxboro Elementary School, who was formerly a woman, returned to school as a man at the beginning of the school year.

Some parents told Travis Unified School District that they feel like their rights to know were violated.

“All the information came straight from our kids and didn’t come from the school board or the teachers … this has all been second-hand information,” parent Melissa Oiland said...

"I understand what parents are saying, but we have a right as an employer, we have a legal obligation as an employer to protect our employees,” Superintendent Kate Wren Gavlak said.

Gavlak said the district consulted with lawyers and determined that legally, it could not disclose any information about the teacher’s gender change.”We will not be discussing personal matters with either the students, or the parents or the community at large … because we cannot,” Gavlak said...

Parent Angela Weinzinger, who has three children at the school, said she has since transferred her children out of the class.

“I wasn’t given the opportunity to make a choice on what I wanted to do with the situation,” Weinzinger said.So far, 23 students from 15 different families have transferred their children out of the music class and into a physical education class.

read the full article here

This makes me upset on many levels. One, that parents feel their rights were violated because the school refused to violate the rights of the teacher and expose his medical and surgical history. If a teacher had had any other kind of surgery, would parents be reacting this way? Two, the assumption that this is a big enough deal that the school should've had to inform parents, that this man should have to reveal this information to anyone he interacts with. Three, that this teacher is being treated as if students in his class are going to catch "the trans" from him, like he's a sexual predator, as if their children are in danger simply being around him.

There are huge heaping servings of gender entitlement at work here. Yes, most parents probably aren't ready to have this conversation with their kids. I recognize that. But is the appropriate reaction really this?

Covered

I found out a while ago that the insurance policy I get through my job covers transition, which is absolutely stellar. It covers almost everything.. top surgery, hormones, blood tests, therapy. There are a few catches.. before top surgery I'll need to have gone through therapy for a year, there's the whole real-life test thing.. so that'll all be weird. However, I'll be able to stay on this medical insurance plan until I'm done with surgery which is good. Hormones I should then be able to cover out-of-pocket if necessary.

I guess.. it's kinda weird to think that transition is actually almost within reach.. I've gotten so used to feeling like it wasn't actual a real possibility that I almost don't know how to react to the news. I mean, it's good, but part of me doesn't quite grasp it yet. I think this is also partially because I know personally and know of so many trans people who can't afford transition, haven't come out to their families, can't come out to their families. Part of me feels guilty for being lucky enough to have coverage. It feels like another binary, those who've transitioned and those who haven't.

Even so. I am so excited to not bind. I've gotten used to it, the slight twisting, unrolling, tucking, adjusting, compression of putting it on. I've gotten used to the dull ache in my lower back that sneaks up around 3 every day. I've gotten used to rolling it up to my armpits, and tugging the back over my head. I've become much better at using the binder over the years. I couldn't even put my binder on by myself when I first got it. I guess I shouldn't get to excited to see it go yet. I'll still be binding for the next year and half or so.

Wow. I started rambling there. Anyways. Back to work/maybe off to home..

insurance websites suck

So I've been trying for the past hour to figure out if trans stuff is covered by my health insurance. It's really aggravating and now I am upset and emotional. I don't enjoy that.
I think the next tactic I am going to use is that I am just going to find out if the doctor that was recommended to me is covered as a provider under the policy, and then make an appointment that way. If he's covered, I should be able to at least have a preliminary visit and see if I can start the process.
I need to talk with my parents again, tell them I'm starting the process. I don't communicate well with them, so this will be interesting.

in other news, I'm going to the augsburg QSU picnic and meetings, so I'll have an LGBTQ group to go to. don't worry luther people, pride will always be first in my heart.

back to work.

transphobic words and deeds link

I just finished reading Julia Serrano's book "Whipping Girl" and it's been on my mind pretty much every day since then.
Then today one of my favorite blogs, The Republic of T, posted a link to a blog post about cissexual privilege and transphobia. It's the kind of blog post I wish I could write. It's from a trans woman's blog, and damn is she smart.
So here's the link to Transphobic Words and Deeds from the blog Questioning Transphobia

all moved in

Sorry it's been a while since I updated. I know I don't have a huge rabid readership though so I feel it's ok. Also, last week I was in D.C. for LVC orientation sans computer. But now I'm all moved in to Beth Shalom in St. Paul and it's been alright so far.

I've got a bank account set up here, a cursory knowledge of the neighborhood, and I've found the nearest source of coffee and internet. I've also seen some of my friends in the area which has been fantastic.

My house mates are pretty good. We are still a little formal around each other, but we just meet two weeks ago. I'm struggling a bit with the fact that they are unaware of cisgender privilege, aren't self-identified feminists, and screw up on pronouns even though I've clarified but it'll be ok. It's not like it's awful at all, it's just that I'm not used to living in such close proximity with all other cisgendered (I'm assuming) and heterosexual people without having other queer people around. I guess one way of putting it is that the fact that binding is stressing me out and making me feel short tempered and I offhandedly commented about it and one of my housemates basically said that it's not that big of a deal, I shouldn't put myself through it because there wasn't any point. But it'll be ok. I'm gonna do a tranny/genderqueer/intersex 101 for community night and we'll go from there.

I've been given a copy of Athens Boys Choir newest CD "Bar Mitzvah Hits of the 80s, 90s & Today" and it's amazing, I recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Other things that are new, I'm reading a book called Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. It's about feminism, transsexuality and politics. She makes some excellent points, one that I've really been thinking about is how feminism bashes femininity sometimes and upholds the dichotomy of masculine good/feminine bad that mainstream society follows, and that needs to change.

I start working tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. I've discovered that I need some structure/routine in my life otherwise I start feeling aimless and it's easier for me to feel crappy about myself. Also, I'm excited to work in a place that recognizes and respects my gender preference.