egotism

Last night I was having some trouble sleeping so I did what I usually do when I can't sleep, I read. First I finished reading Sex Changes: Transgender Politics by Patrick Califia. Good times. Then I started reading "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey.

Basically, the book is about is six weeks in a drug and alcohol abuse treatment center. He had been drinking since the age of 10, doing drugs since 12, and got really fucked up. He landed in the treatment center at the age of 23. However, everything he said happened didn't really happen how he said it did, according to some of the people who knew him and were there. So basically, how much leeway do you have with creative nonfiction?

Aside from the problems of how "real" his memoir is, I found the book interesting. Partially because the whole AA twelve step thing supposedly didn't work for him, mainly because he felt that you were just replacing your addiction to drugs and alcohol with an addiction to Meetings and God. Instead, a book his brother gave him called Tao Te Ching was what helped him the most. "Lose everything you know and everything you desire and ignore those who say they know. Practice not wanting, desiring, judging, doing, fighting, knowing. Practice just being. Everything will fall into place."

That makes a lot of sense to me. Don't worry about the good and the bad, just be. I especially enjoy the section where he talks about how opposites define each other, dichotomies create themselves. In particular the quote "need and depend create and define each other." If you don't depend on anything or anyone you won't need anything or anyone. If you don't need anything or anyone you won't depend on anything or anyone. And when you are able to not need or depend, you are able to just enjoy life for what it is. It makes everything seem so much less complicated than it really is. I realized that that's where a lot of dysfunction in our lives comes from, needing and depending.

Now, while this is all well and good, I also was wondering why I feel compelled to read books like this. I felt the same way when I read the book "wasted" about a woman's lifelong struggle with severely disordered eating in addition to drugs and alcohol. I think there's some unfortunate part of me that secretly enjoys reading these books not because it shows me the depth of human suffering or because I empathize with their experiences but because I can look at how fucked up other people are and be glad that I'm not nearly that fucked up, and I'll never be that fucked up. I think that's actually part of the reason why books like that are so popular, because it allows affluent people to feel reassured in how no matter how screwed up their relationships maybe be, at least there are people more fucked up than them. And people write them, and end up fabricating events that didn't even happen, and it's all part of this weird twisted voyeurism of wanting to see people at their absolute worst. It kinda freaks me out.

Anyways, if I were capable of completely letting go of my wants and desires, if I could just be, I feel like I would live my life better and be a better person to others.

apathy and boredom in mequon

The boredom has really only struck today. And it's only apathy in the sense that I reached the point of boredom where I don't really want to do anything. Well, more like nothing sounds interesting even though I am open to the idea of doing something. Instead I've been reading, playing mahjong on the internet and taking care of the poodles. I also did go for a walk which was nice. And it wore out Zeus which is also good. It's not fun to deal with an energetic poodle in show cut.
I'm reading a Tom Robbins novel today, or attempting to. It's called Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates and is fairly good. After reading a few Tom Robbins novels I've come to the conclusion that readers either love the books or hate them, and that he probably writes while under the influence of some sort of mind altering substance. In either case, I can really only handle reading him for 20-30 minutes at time, then I need to take a break. Which is actually what I'm doing right now. I've been meaning to blog for the past few days, but just haven't done it so I figure now is as good a time as any.

Anyways. On Wednesday my friend Sumner came up to visit for a few days. We played a lot of guitar, watched a few movies, went to the guitar center and played their guitars, generally had a good time. She actually ended up staying an extra night because we had a ridiculous amount of snow, so that was fun too. We recorded a song as well, but unfortunately my computer is being an angry teenager and corrupted one section of the vocals. *sigh*

Yesterday a friend of mine who graduated from Luther last year was in town for a wedding. Well, the wedding was today, but she got her yesterday and we got to hang out. We drove downtown to Brady Street, which was an adventure in and of itself. We went to my favorite coffee shop/tea house in the world (Rochambo's), ate dinner at the Apollo Cafe, and went on a quest for boots for Katie. She wanted leopard print boots, which we didn't find, but we found her some kickass boots at Mr. Shoe instead. We also went to the Exclusive Company, which is a new and used music and movie store. They have an excellent collection of records, but I don't have a record player. It's still fun to browse. Later on in the evening we went to the midnight showing of the Princess Bride. We went with some of my good friends from high school who I haven't seen in a year or so because of extenuating circumstances. Mainly that Luther has Jterm and many other schools don't.

Today I downloaded the soundtrack to the movie Juno from iTunes. It is quite excellent, so much so that I am going to turn this blog post into a mammoth by including the track list. So, great joy was had while I brushed the dogs, drank my tea, and listened to this soundtrack.

01. "All I Want Is You" Barry Louis Polisar
02. "Rollercoaster" Juno Film Version - Kimya Dawson
03. "A Well Respected Man" The Kinks
04. "Dearest" Buddy Holly
05. "Up The Spout" Mateo Messina
06. "Tire Swing" Kimya Dawson
07. "Piazza, New York Catcher" Belle & Sebastian
08. "Loose Lips" Kimya Dawson
09. "Superstar" Sonic Youth
10. "Sleep" Instrumental - Kimya Dawson
11. "Expectations" Belle & Sebastian
12. "All The Young Dudes" Mott The Hoople
13. "So Nice So Smart" Kimya Dawson
14. "Sea of Love" Cat Power
15. "Tree Hugger" Kimya Dawson and Antsy Pants
16. "I'm Sticking With You" Velvet Underground
17. "Anyone Else but You" The Moldy Peaches
18. "Vampire" Antsy Pants
19. "Anyone Else But You" Ellen Page and Michael Cera

I've been thinking more about tranny gender stuff. I am not nearly as stressed about it as I was when I last posted about such things. I've been realizing that I don't need to get so bent out of shape all the time. Sometimes it's good to be struggling with all of the issues that go into the situation, and sometimes it's even better to just try and live. I mean, at the end of the day I want to be happy with who I am. And most of the time I am happy with who I am as a person, so I shouldn't get so uptight about what body I'm in. Don't get me wrong, as soon as I get the money together the breasts will be gone. I just don't need to get worked up about all of it in the meantime.

I have also been realizing that since I've started down this path of genderqueer tranny-ism I have changed. This is thrown into sharp relief when I come home from college, visit my relatives, even when I hang out with friends who aren't quite up to date on my adventures in the world of gender identity. It's a rather strong metaphor, but it's almost as if I have two personas, Amy and Dylan. I'm not becoming schizophrenic, but it does feel different interacting with people who know me as Dylan or know that I'm changing my name to Dylan and people who only know me as Amy and don't necessarily even know I like primarily like dykes. I'm a lot less angry and frustrated with the world, which is a relief. I've become more calm, more sure of myself as a person. I've also become less cocky, which I think is good. Either way. I'm getting to a good place with myself.

Right now I'm trying to decide what to do with the rest of my evening. I'm thinking a little reading, letting the dogs out one more time, maybe some more tea and a movie. I also would like to point out that I've been writing the post (albeit while taking a bathroom break, playing a few internet games and chatting with folk online) for the past hour and a half. Ridiculous.

Well. I think that's everything for this blog post. I'll leave you with a Tom Robbins quote from Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates.

"The Devil doesn't make us do anything. The Devil, for example, doesn't make us mean. Rather, when we're mean, we make the Devil. Literally. Our actions create him. Conversely, when we behave with compassion, generosity and grace, we create God in the world"

learn from the mistakes of others

It is a horribly stupid idea to read the book "love is a mix tape" by rob sheffield when you've recently broken up with someone you had a long term relationship with. It's an even worse idea to read it while it's raining. I am willing to bet it will make you feel like shit. Also a bad read if your significant other has died recently I would think. It's about how Rob, the author, met Renee, his wife. They get married after a year, then five years after that she dies instantly one morning of a pulmonary embolism. Rob's life goes to shit for a few years. And that's what the whole book is about. To add an extra twist of the knife it's interspersed with track lists from different mix tapes he and Renee had made. It's just fucking depressing. If you are an idiot and happen to read the book, there really isn't anything to be done but maybe sneak a few shots of vodka out of your parents' stash and try and read something cheerful and optimistic. Or dry and boring.

Juno and other stuff

Today I saw the movie Juno with my friend Mugsie. We originally were trying to go see the annual showing of "It's a Wonderful Life" at The Times but unfortunately the people that gave them the rights to play I Am Legend said they couldn't play any other movies while I Am Legend was running. So sad days. We ended up going to Mayfair Mall, where I bought new earrings and got a third hole put in my ear lobes. We wandered around before deciding to see Juno at the AMC theater in the mall.

I haven't enjoyed seeing a movie in theaters that much in a long time. For one thing, within the first 5 minutes of the film I developed a slight crush on the character of Juno, played by Ellen Page. I think it was the rainbow belt and the liter of sunny d. The film basically follows her teen pregnancy in the town of Dancing Elk, Minnesota after she seduces her best friend Paulie Bleeker, played by Michael Cera. She ends up deciding not to abort the baby, and is planning on giving it to this supposedly perfect couple who live in St. Cloud. The movie is full of wonderful one-liners, phones shaped liked hamburgers, and is set in Minnesota so go Midwest. While it has dark moments and does cover the touchy subject of teen pregnancy and teens having sex, it also does a good job of not being too heavy handed about the subject. It also has one of the best soundtracks I've heard in a while, featuring Belle and Sebastian and the Mouldy Peaches.

I also went to the library today to pick up some books. I have been extraordinarily bored in Mequon. I picked up two Tom Robbins novels, Book Lust, Love is a Mix Tape and the Unbearable Lightness of Being. So hurray for the library. I also paid my sister's 25 cent library fine. I am such a wonderful sibling.

When I was driving through Thiensville to the library I noticed that there is a new store open, a record shop. I am planning on stopping by tomorrow after going to the high school where I hope to help out with stage crew again. Last Saturday going in was fun. I saw Randy, and also just enjoyed being backstage again. The crew they have right now is slightly pathetic honestly. Not that we were all mature and intelligent individuals at all times when I was in high school stage crew. The difference seems to be that we were passionate and wanted to do the best job we could possibly do, while the crew that they have now is just kinda there to mess around.

I actually realized that it's entirely possible that I figured out what I love to do in high school and that going to college and getting a degree in sociology and women and gender studies might not have been the best course of action. I mean, I do enjoy sociology and women and gender studies. I have loved being at Luther, and I have become a much more intelligent person by going to college. But I also realized that I was happy doing stage crew, and I excelled at it. So it's a good thing I'm seriously considering going to Full Sail after doing LVC.

Anyways. If you have the money to spare on a movie in the theaters, I really do suggest going to see Juno. At least go rent it when it comes out on DVD. And check out the soundtrack, for it is a collection aural delight.

The Golden Compass

If you haven't read the book The Golden Compass, feel free to attend the movie. You will probably find it enjoyable, though perhaps slightly confusing. If you have read the book, you might want to reconsider.
The movie is visually very beautiful, and the effects are very well done. But unfortunately the movie falls short in the plot and following the book department. I do understand that when they make books into movies they have time restrictions and all of that jazz. But to end the movie at a point that is about 1/8 of the way from the end of the book? I feel bereft, and slightly cheated.
Yes, the movie does hit all of the major plot points. Yes, it is technically well done. But I feel like by adding even half an hour to finish the plot, or by using that half an hour to explore some of the more intricate aspects of the plot in the book, the film would have been better.
I guess the lesson is that I should never expect as much out of a movie as I do out of a book.
His Dark Materials, the trilogy that The Golden Compass starts was one of the most influential books in my teenage years. I remember doing pursuit book club discussions on it, and being extremely excited when the next two books, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass, came out. The books challenged my rather basic undeveloped beliefs about god, free choice, and the ideas of good and evil. The books are wonderful. And the protagonist is a brave, intelligent girl which is really rare even today in fiction.
Either way. This isn't an extremely coherent or thought out post. I just wanted to get out a little of my irritation at the movie. But really, it's ok, because it's just a movie.