one year back from tanzania

A year ago today I returned from my semester study abroad in Tanzania. Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about it. I was re-reading the blog I wrote when I was there, just remembering and thinking. I learned a lot from my experience, but how could I not? I learned about the World Bank, the IMF, East African history. I learned some swahili, I learned that I don't live as simply as I think I do, I learned how to wash my clothes well by hand. I learned what it feels like to be a visible minority, but this was complicated by white supremacy. I also learned how to empty out the nicotine from a cigarette and remove the filter to use the paper for other purposes, =) I learned that I don't need computers nearly as much as I think I do. I learned a lot of other things, but I need to cut off this train of thought somewhere and here's a good place.

I have learned a few things since I've gotten back though too, from my own experiences and talking with the other people on my program. I decided to make a list because sometimes lists are just satisfying.

1. You can only tell "one time in Tanzania" stories so many times. And then you have to stop or you become that person who always talks about study abroad and is kinda annoying and snooty about it.
2. While it is different to go from being in Tanzania to being in the United States, not much has changed while you were gone. They had huge interstates, grocery stores, malls and hot water when you left, don't be so surprised when you get back.
3. Cultural relativism is harder to detect in your own culture. Also, cultural relativism is one of the those words you whip out when you are trying to impress your family.
4. No matter how many times you remind them, some people will never remember that you went to Tanzania, they will always remember that you went to Africa.
5. Don't idealize your study abroad experience. It's not healthy for you, for people you talk to, or for your ideas about the global community.

Anyways. Here's to hoping I keep learning more about what it means to be a wealthy white American in our crazy world.

oh the weather

I really miss the sun. I mean, the sun still rises every day and all that, but I miss having more sunlight in the day. This weekend I've really just felt like sleeping all the time, and I've been feeling grouchy. It's probably also a combination of the end of the semester, going home, feeling stressed, all that stuff.
Speaking of going home, I'm a little nervous about it. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I believe that part of my anxiety about it is that I feel my parents think I'm just going through a tranny phase. I feel like I have to keep bringing it up with them, and I don't really know how. I don't know how to talk to them about it. I understand they need time to adjust and all, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel kind of invisible to them. Not to mention, I want to tell them that I've picked out a name. I want to tell my brother and my sister, but I can't imagine that they would take it well. Rob might be ok with it, but Natalie? I have no idea how she'd react.
And hell, sometimes I wonder if I'm just going through a tranny phase. And if so, how do I explain that? "Sorry everyone, I was just kidding" doesn't really seem to cut it. I am so scared of losing.. something.. if I transition. I'm not even sure what it is I'm scared of losing. I'm worried that I'll have to date straight women for one thing. And I don't want to do that. Maybe I just took the easy way out of having low self esteem by blaming it on gender. Or maybe I just read so much in the HQ section, and in classes and just adopted it because it seemed cool, or because it would make people like me, or think I was interesting?
Either way. There are things that I am looking forward to over break. Playing guitar with Sumner, hanging out with friends from high school, seeing the stage crew guys again, going to the cities, New Year's Eve. I just have to make myself actually get my school work done first! =)

The Golden Compass

If you haven't read the book The Golden Compass, feel free to attend the movie. You will probably find it enjoyable, though perhaps slightly confusing. If you have read the book, you might want to reconsider.
The movie is visually very beautiful, and the effects are very well done. But unfortunately the movie falls short in the plot and following the book department. I do understand that when they make books into movies they have time restrictions and all of that jazz. But to end the movie at a point that is about 1/8 of the way from the end of the book? I feel bereft, and slightly cheated.
Yes, the movie does hit all of the major plot points. Yes, it is technically well done. But I feel like by adding even half an hour to finish the plot, or by using that half an hour to explore some of the more intricate aspects of the plot in the book, the film would have been better.
I guess the lesson is that I should never expect as much out of a movie as I do out of a book.
His Dark Materials, the trilogy that The Golden Compass starts was one of the most influential books in my teenage years. I remember doing pursuit book club discussions on it, and being extremely excited when the next two books, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass, came out. The books challenged my rather basic undeveloped beliefs about god, free choice, and the ideas of good and evil. The books are wonderful. And the protagonist is a brave, intelligent girl which is really rare even today in fiction.
Either way. This isn't an extremely coherent or thought out post. I just wanted to get out a little of my irritation at the movie. But really, it's ok, because it's just a movie.

caf entertainment

I had a hilarious meal with three of my cluster mates, Athena, Seth and Jasmine. Special highlights included discussion about vaginal mucus, removable sphincters, Xena subtext, anal expulsive personalities and an in depth discussion on how Wooblies reproduce.
In case you are wondering, Wooblies reproduce by one Woobly putting done a coating of mucus, then another Woobly putting done another coating. Then a plant grows out of the mucus and blossoms into a baby Woobly.
After that we were walking back to Farwell and decided it might be a good idea to roll chunks of ice and snow down the hill. And it was. There really is nothing quite as entertaining as an after dinner snow rolling competition.
Ok, yes, we were being ridiculous and probably a little immature, but that's ok. I laughed so hard I shot water out my nose.

the queer zoo

Today was the annual GLBT discussion in Harv Klevar's American Diversity class. Some of you may be familiar with these lovely sessions. Harv puts us up at the front of the class, we talk about our coming out stories, the class stares at us or avoids looking at us, it strongly resembles a zoo exhibit. Usually they make me feel like I'm whoring out my queerness for money. Which I guess is kinda what happens, we talk and Harv gives pride money..

Anyways. So today I was actually pleasantly surprised by the discussion. For one thing, at pride when we were asking for volunteers we decided that we didn't want to take forever telling our coming out stories. We wanted the class to be structured more as an organic discussion than as us queers telling the heteros how life is. We also made sure to clarify that our experiences are ours and ours alone. We don't and can't speak for anyone else's choices or experiences. We also were upfront about the fact that we wanted to field questions from the class.

The results were good, at least in the hour I went to. We got asked questions about Luther, how we interact with conservatives or people who think homosexuality is morally wrong, when we knew we were queer. One question that was really insightful was how important is the gay community at Luther to our lives, and whether or not we feel isolated from the rest of the student body. Honestly, I don't. I feel integrated into the Luther community. I don't feel like I have to hide anything about myself to feel accepted anywhere on campus.

I got asked some questions about trans stuff too. Like, after I have surgery will I date straight girls or gay girls. Also just nuts and bolts questions about surgery and the whole SRS process. And questions about binding.

In the end, I think it was fairly successful. I hope that the class was able to actually see us as people instead of tokens, and realize that our queerness doesn't encompass our entire identity, it is only a part of our identities. I also realized that in past years, I think what has made me uncomfortable has been how Klevar interacts with us, as if we are representative of all queers, and as if we are somehow inherently different people with inherently different culture than heteros. But it was a good experience this time. And pride got $100 for it so hurray.

broken binder

A great tragedy has occurred. My binder, which I have not even had for a full 12 months, has been damaged in such a way that it will not function in an effective manner. I trustingly lent it to a friend for a play that she was in, and it came back to me with rips by both side seams. It's not that the seams themselves have been ripped, it's the fabric. Even if I have someone stitch up the sides, now that the fabric itself has ripped it will be more prone to accidents in the future, and it will also have two bulky seams that will itch.

Really, the good thing is that I am going to have help converting it to a shorter binder, not the full body tank top style it was. Still, I am saddened by the loss, and the "conversion experience" won't occur until winter break.

I am freaking out a little bit because I'm finding it difficult to function without the binder. As the semester has gone on and it's gotten colder, that binder became my second skin. Unfortunately, since I've been stressed out and a little depressed this semester I have been letting myself get bogged down in feeling negatively about my body. And I know, that's not good to do. I'm doing what I can to not beat up on myself. Thinking negatively will not change anything.
Nonetheless, I do need to figure out something for the really bad days, and I don't want to go back to using an ace bandage. It's really bad for my back muscles, I've already bruised my ribs using that method before, and it is difficult to breathe if you don't wrap it properly. Still, there are just some days when the sports bra, although the two i have are mighty indeed, just aren't enough.

Oh well. On the upshot, I will be getting my october paycheck soon so if I decide that I want to have two binders, I can consider purchasing another one from underworks. Until the time that I have a binder again, I will try and think happy thoughts and also try and think of alternatives to the Ace bandage.

tiny revelations

Today when I was walking to the Union to drop off some mail and eat before class I got hit with a big gust of wind and I realized all of the sudden that I am alive. This might seem a little obvious, but it's also something that I've forgotten somehow. I had forgotten how wonderful bodies are, that I somehow start a signal in my brain, which travels down my spinal cord to my legs and tells them to move, that my lungs breathe air, that my heart beats. Then there's the fact that we have the capability to learn, and to create. The fact that humanity can create music, art, literature, philosophy, architecture. Remembering that floors me in a way that reminds me of how I felt about god when I was younger, which now I realize was not so much feelings of joy about god, but joy in being alive.
After my little revelation this morning, I was trying to think back in my childhood to the first moment I remember being alive. The first moment that I was self-aware of my existence. I haven't remembered it yet, and I don't know if I ever will. Either way, it's good to think about. I've remembered a lot of little events in childhood I didn't remember before. Like laying on the hill behind our house in Illinois looking at constellations and feeling vertigo, like I could go spinning off into space.
This evening I was walking across campus and realized again how amazing it is that the gravitational pull of the earth keeps the moon in orbit, and causes the waxing and waning of moon, and that the moon causes tides, and that the earth orbits the sun, and that our solar system orbits in our galaxy, which is speeding through the universe. Crazy.