It's been one of those long stretches where I don't blog anything for a month, and I'm sorry for that. I also haven't been very good at making and posting videos either. Oops.
I realize that not everyone may be incredibly interested in my navel-gazing around the actual physical changes of transitioning. I totally get that, so I'm gonna start putting stuff like that at the end of posts. I'm still going to include it because I want a record for the future, and it's important to me to mark something that's fairly monumental in my life. In addition, before I started hormones and was first thinking about transitioning, I went online and read other transfolks' blogs like crazy to see what taking hormones was like. Hell, I still search out other transguys blogs and videos to see how fast things change. So if reading about my voice changes, acne, and all of that isn't exactly your cup of tea no worries.
I finished up my year with LC/NA, my Lutheran Volunteer Corps position, on a very strong note. For those of you living outside the Lutheran bubble, the ELCA Churchwide Assembly voted to change policy and allow people in publicly accountable, life-long, monogamous same-gender relationships to become rostered clergy. It was a pretty incredible moment to witness.
Aside from my job, the end of my LVC year was good. I really enjoyed living with my housemates, and I'm pleased that four of the five of us are in the Twin Cities this year. Over the course of the year they became more than just roommates and friends, and we built a strong community together. I'm pleased to count them among people I call family. Frankly, in some ways the end of the year felt anti-climactic. Moving out of Beth Shalom almost felt more like going on a vacation. Going back to lead snack and yak was really one of the first moments that it sunk in on a more visceral level that my LVC year was done. Even so, it wasn't sadness or disappointment or nostalgia. It was more a feeling of a closing of one chapter of my life and the beginning of another.
I do have a job, but frankly, I don't like it. It's at a company that does third party administration of benefits for companies. I don't totally know what's going on and what I'm supposed to be doing. It seems like I push a lot of paper. In addition, I'm having a hard time on the pronoun/gender identity front. I get tired of correcting the same people. I also get tired of the general sense of unease that my coworkers have when I join conversations and talk about Becky in the same way they talk about their spouses. The closed off body language, the refusal to make eye contact with me, the silence when I enter and the buzz of conversation when I leave a room. It wears down on you. And I haven't even been working here for a full pay period yet.
Needless to say, I'm looking for another job. I've set a deadline and if I don't find a job by then, I'm going to resign. It's not worth it for me to continue in a job that I don't care about, in an industry that sustains unequal access to healthcare, around people that don't share my values and aren't open to conversation, and that I come from completely drained emotionally. I want a job that I can work hard at and feel good about.
I'm feeling incredibly stressed and nervous about health insurance. I've been putting off going in for bloodwork because I can't pay it out of pocket, I also can't fill my prescription out of pocket. I won't be out of T really soon, but I'm still getting anxious. The prospect of potentially being slammed with a pre-existing condition is bad enough, but worrying about what happens if I am actually ill and can't get coverage for something unrelated to being trans has also been haunting me. Granted, a lot of that is me worrying about the worst possible scenario. Even so, insurance has been complicating my relationship with my job/job search.
On the transition front, I'm about to finish up my 15th week on testosterone. Changes I've noticed:
- My voice is continuing to drop, and I feel it more in my chest when I'm talking. It's this really pleasant feeling of the sound vibrating more through my chest, just like there's a lot more space.
- I'm growing a lot more body hair. In particular, I've got more underarm hair and more leg hair, and I'm starting to grow more hair on my lower belly.
- I smell more, and not always in pleasant ways.
- In a related vein, I need to be really diligent about washing my face because I am getting acne that is worse than what I had the first time around. Puberty 1.0 I had a few whiteheads and mostly blackheads that were easy to get rid of. Puberty 2.0 I'm getting that annoying angry red acne on my cheeks and along my jaw.
- More muscle mass in my shoulders/arms, which is nice, and helps me feel better about my body.
- More physical energy, and also mental/emotional energy.
- I generally feel better about life, and I feel a lot more stable internally. I'm happier, even with the crappy job I have.
Changes other people have commented on:
- My voice, which is good to know it's not just in my head.
- My face is starting to look more angular.
- My hips are becoming less curvy, more angular. This is really extremely exciting, and after it was pointed out to me I definitely noticed it more, and with great excitement.
- Becky pointed out to me (in a very tactful, nice way) that while I haven't been getting angry or short with anyone else, I've been a lot harder on myself. If I can't get something right the first time, or quickly, I've gotten frustrated by it. This is something I want to be mindful of and correct. I'm glad I haven't gotten short with anyone else, thank goodness, and I want to keep it that way. I want to continue practicing patience and calmness.
Here's my most recent video, it's from my 12th week on testosterone, you can definitely tell there my voice has been dropping, exciting!
Showing posts with label LVC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LVC. Show all posts
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Change
I have been remiss in my blogging, and it's not just because I've abandoned my blog for youtube. I actually have been really bad about posting my youtube videos. Partially because I make them on my camera, then save them to my computer, then wait till I'm somewhere with internet to upload them. I actually have three videos sitting on my camera that I haven't even put on my computer, let alone posted on youtube. Oops.
I just got back on Monday from the first LVC retreat. It doesn't seem like I've been doing LVC for two and half months already, but I have. Retreat was.. not really very restful. The building we were in was stressful for me. It was loud and felt claustrophobic. My idea of retreat isn't being forced to interact with 35 people I don't really know. We also had two days of anti-racism training, which was good. I was challenged, but I also knew a lot of the material we covered because of some of my courses from college.
I'm off tomorrow morning on a 7am flight (ugh) for DC to participate in an RIC training. It should be interesting. It's going to be a compressed training, which is stressful in its own way. I'm also not really sure how many youth are going to be there. I think it'll be more Methodist youth, but that's ok. I'll be able to talk to the person who has my job with the Methodists, which will be good for me to more clearly define how to build a Lutheran youth network.
I've also been looking at the website change.gov recently. It's a website focused on the shift from the Bush administration to Obama's administration. It's really a pretty excellent website. You can apply for jobs, share your vision of the future, and really engage with the next administration. In addition, I am ecstatic because there's been an actual policy change shift already in the Obama administration. Here's the non-discrimination policy for the Obama-Biden Transition Project:
That's right, they slipped in gender identity. How awesome is that?
I just got back on Monday from the first LVC retreat. It doesn't seem like I've been doing LVC for two and half months already, but I have. Retreat was.. not really very restful. The building we were in was stressful for me. It was loud and felt claustrophobic. My idea of retreat isn't being forced to interact with 35 people I don't really know. We also had two days of anti-racism training, which was good. I was challenged, but I also knew a lot of the material we covered because of some of my courses from college.
I'm off tomorrow morning on a 7am flight (ugh) for DC to participate in an RIC training. It should be interesting. It's going to be a compressed training, which is stressful in its own way. I'm also not really sure how many youth are going to be there. I think it'll be more Methodist youth, but that's ok. I'll be able to talk to the person who has my job with the Methodists, which will be good for me to more clearly define how to build a Lutheran youth network.
I've also been looking at the website change.gov recently. It's a website focused on the shift from the Bush administration to Obama's administration. It's really a pretty excellent website. You can apply for jobs, share your vision of the future, and really engage with the next administration. In addition, I am ecstatic because there's been an actual policy change shift already in the Obama administration. Here's the non-discrimination policy for the Obama-Biden Transition Project:
The Obama-Biden Transition Project does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, or any other basis of discrimination prohibited by law.
That's right, they slipped in gender identity. How awesome is that?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
quick creature post
1) There's a bat in the fellowship hall of the church my office is located in. Really neat when we were trying to put together around 40 binders.
2) There's a mouse family living in our LVC house.
3) There was a massive amount of animal poop on our kitchen table, and one of our mouse traps had the good stolen from it without catching anything.
4) A squirrel scampered through our living room and kitchen then disappeared this morning.
5) The dog downstairs has taken an immense liking to my bicycle, he was really upset when i moved it today. At least I know it's well guarded.
2) There's a mouse family living in our LVC house.
3) There was a massive amount of animal poop on our kitchen table, and one of our mouse traps had the good stolen from it without catching anything.
4) A squirrel scampered through our living room and kitchen then disappeared this morning.
5) The dog downstairs has taken an immense liking to my bicycle, he was really upset when i moved it today. At least I know it's well guarded.
Friday, August 22, 2008
The Weekend
I had a bit of an eclectic weekend. First off, on Friday I got out of work early and biked over to Minneapolis to hang out with Quaking Aspen. I ended up getting confused and biked all the way to Lake Calhoun, which is about 9 miles from my house. So that was neat. After calling and biking back and getting more confused I actually managed to get to the appropriate place so that was cool. I got home without incident which was also cool.
We then went to our host family/contact family's house for dinner. That was a good time. Tasty vegetarian food, and we got a free book about churches being fully inclusive that David wrote. Molly and I attempted to find the Triple Rock Social Club in Minneapolis but failed. Which apparently should've been hard to do. Anyways, instead we went back to the house and had some vodka and grape juice and watched the first half of The Birdcage.
Saturday I cleaned out the closet in the back hall and turned it into a pantry so we don't have food all over the table in the kitchen. I get a lot of satisfaction out of organizing things, so that felt good. I went and used the internet and did some reading, then in the evening I rode the bus over to Minneapolis and walked around Uptown for a while before heading back home.
Sunday my whole house went to St. Paul Reformation church because they are our host congregation. They were really excited to have us there. I feel like some of them will be kind of bummed when we don't all go regularly, if any of us go regularly. I did some laundry and cleaned my room then went over to May Day Cafe and met up with Meghan. It was good to hang out with her, as usual, and I got to see her later that evening as well. Dinner, house meeting, then I went to the Townhouse with Meghan and Krista, we met up with a bunch of other people. We were really the only people there aside from a handful of regulars, which was ok. Meghan introduced me to Susan, a drummer in the area who could be a good addition to SFO once we are finally in the same area again.
So the past few days, especially after our first day of work, I've been thinking about my LVC position versus the jobs my housemates have. Initially, on Thursday and Friday I was feeling a little down on myself. Generally, I kept thinking that the work my housemates will be doing will be more helpful, it provides direct services or helps organize people and that my job is helping middle and upperclass white mainly gay and lesbian Lutherans feel comfortable at church. However, I have a brilliant friend who told me "is spiritual suffering not real?"
Upon further contemplation I realized that I tend to forget how much the church hurts people, how much the church has hurt me. I left the church for several reasons, but a main one was that I was tired of the bullshit and feeling half-welcome or unwelcome. I forget that church hurt is very valid and relieving church hurt is important. I also forget that while it seems like my organization is focused on middle-upperclass white people, many more people will be impacted by positive changes in the Lutheran church. The ELCA becoming more inclusive will have global implications. In addition, other denominations will be affected. In addition my organization is committed to being an anti-racist organization, and they are trying to include bisexual and trans people, and these are all good things. Basically, I feel better and while I'm sure I'll need to keep reminding myself not to compare any of our jobs since they all are important, I think I'm doing well on that front right now.
Ok. Epic post done. I'm gonna head home and have dinner.
We then went to our host family/contact family's house for dinner. That was a good time. Tasty vegetarian food, and we got a free book about churches being fully inclusive that David wrote. Molly and I attempted to find the Triple Rock Social Club in Minneapolis but failed. Which apparently should've been hard to do. Anyways, instead we went back to the house and had some vodka and grape juice and watched the first half of The Birdcage.
Saturday I cleaned out the closet in the back hall and turned it into a pantry so we don't have food all over the table in the kitchen. I get a lot of satisfaction out of organizing things, so that felt good. I went and used the internet and did some reading, then in the evening I rode the bus over to Minneapolis and walked around Uptown for a while before heading back home.
Sunday my whole house went to St. Paul Reformation church because they are our host congregation. They were really excited to have us there. I feel like some of them will be kind of bummed when we don't all go regularly, if any of us go regularly. I did some laundry and cleaned my room then went over to May Day Cafe and met up with Meghan. It was good to hang out with her, as usual, and I got to see her later that evening as well. Dinner, house meeting, then I went to the Townhouse with Meghan and Krista, we met up with a bunch of other people. We were really the only people there aside from a handful of regulars, which was ok. Meghan introduced me to Susan, a drummer in the area who could be a good addition to SFO once we are finally in the same area again.
So the past few days, especially after our first day of work, I've been thinking about my LVC position versus the jobs my housemates have. Initially, on Thursday and Friday I was feeling a little down on myself. Generally, I kept thinking that the work my housemates will be doing will be more helpful, it provides direct services or helps organize people and that my job is helping middle and upperclass white mainly gay and lesbian Lutherans feel comfortable at church. However, I have a brilliant friend who told me "is spiritual suffering not real?"
Upon further contemplation I realized that I tend to forget how much the church hurts people, how much the church has hurt me. I left the church for several reasons, but a main one was that I was tired of the bullshit and feeling half-welcome or unwelcome. I forget that church hurt is very valid and relieving church hurt is important. I also forget that while it seems like my organization is focused on middle-upperclass white people, many more people will be impacted by positive changes in the Lutheran church. The ELCA becoming more inclusive will have global implications. In addition, other denominations will be affected. In addition my organization is committed to being an anti-racist organization, and they are trying to include bisexual and trans people, and these are all good things. Basically, I feel better and while I'm sure I'll need to keep reminding myself not to compare any of our jobs since they all are important, I think I'm doing well on that front right now.
Ok. Epic post done. I'm gonna head home and have dinner.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
all moved in
Sorry it's been a while since I updated. I know I don't have a huge rabid readership though so I feel it's ok. Also, last week I was in D.C. for LVC orientation sans computer. But now I'm all moved in to Beth Shalom in St. Paul and it's been alright so far.
I've got a bank account set up here, a cursory knowledge of the neighborhood, and I've found the nearest source of coffee and internet. I've also seen some of my friends in the area which has been fantastic.
My house mates are pretty good. We are still a little formal around each other, but we just meet two weeks ago. I'm struggling a bit with the fact that they are unaware of cisgender privilege, aren't self-identified feminists, and screw up on pronouns even though I've clarified but it'll be ok. It's not like it's awful at all, it's just that I'm not used to living in such close proximity with all other cisgendered (I'm assuming) and heterosexual people without having other queer people around. I guess one way of putting it is that the fact that binding is stressing me out and making me feel short tempered and I offhandedly commented about it and one of my housemates basically said that it's not that big of a deal, I shouldn't put myself through it because there wasn't any point. But it'll be ok. I'm gonna do a tranny/genderqueer/intersex 101 for community night and we'll go from there.
I've been given a copy of Athens Boys Choir newest CD "Bar Mitzvah Hits of the 80s, 90s & Today" and it's amazing, I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
Other things that are new, I'm reading a book called Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. It's about feminism, transsexuality and politics. She makes some excellent points, one that I've really been thinking about is how feminism bashes femininity sometimes and upholds the dichotomy of masculine good/feminine bad that mainstream society follows, and that needs to change.
I start working tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. I've discovered that I need some structure/routine in my life otherwise I start feeling aimless and it's easier for me to feel crappy about myself. Also, I'm excited to work in a place that recognizes and respects my gender preference.
I've got a bank account set up here, a cursory knowledge of the neighborhood, and I've found the nearest source of coffee and internet. I've also seen some of my friends in the area which has been fantastic.
My house mates are pretty good. We are still a little formal around each other, but we just meet two weeks ago. I'm struggling a bit with the fact that they are unaware of cisgender privilege, aren't self-identified feminists, and screw up on pronouns even though I've clarified but it'll be ok. It's not like it's awful at all, it's just that I'm not used to living in such close proximity with all other cisgendered (I'm assuming) and heterosexual people without having other queer people around. I guess one way of putting it is that the fact that binding is stressing me out and making me feel short tempered and I offhandedly commented about it and one of my housemates basically said that it's not that big of a deal, I shouldn't put myself through it because there wasn't any point. But it'll be ok. I'm gonna do a tranny/genderqueer/intersex 101 for community night and we'll go from there.
I've been given a copy of Athens Boys Choir newest CD "Bar Mitzvah Hits of the 80s, 90s & Today" and it's amazing, I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
Other things that are new, I'm reading a book called Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. It's about feminism, transsexuality and politics. She makes some excellent points, one that I've really been thinking about is how feminism bashes femininity sometimes and upholds the dichotomy of masculine good/feminine bad that mainstream society follows, and that needs to change.
I start working tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. I've discovered that I need some structure/routine in my life otherwise I start feeling aimless and it's easier for me to feel crappy about myself. Also, I'm excited to work in a place that recognizes and respects my gender preference.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
One Day of Work Left...
The internet in my house went out earlier this week. I don't know what happened to it, it's strange, I can pick up the wireless signal, it just won't connect to the internet. So I've been coming to the magpie to feed my internet addiction.
News in life.. Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm excited. Rex is a great kid, I'm going to miss him, but I am ready for LVC. I am both excited and nervous for orientation. I'll get to see Kristin again, and I haven't seen her since our re-entry meeting I think. I'll get to visit with Meghan for an evening, also a good thing. I'm also excited to meet my housemates. I'm also nervous about that. I still haven't heard anything from anyone but the housemate who initiated emailing with her question about crock pots. Then I sent an email where I came out in addition to responding to the crock pot question. And then silence. No one else has emailed. Oh well.
I wasn't expecting anyone to say anything about the trans stuff, but I was expecting them to at least introduce themselves. I guess it might be a little overwhelming, maybe they felt the best thing to do was just not say anything. I tried to keep it simple, mainly just because I wanted to inform them before orientation. I didn't get into the fact that I don't see myself as "a man" but that I feel more like not woman, not man, mainly because I didn't want to make the email a soapbox for me to talk about trans activism.
I'm also looking forward to working for LC/NA. The whole gay-for-pay thing is pretty exciting. Unless there's some jekyll and hyde stuff going on at the office, my co-workers are all really awesome people.
I'm thinking about starting some video blogs, aka "vlogs" to document transition since I'm planning on starting hormones. The one hitch in this plan is that I don't have a camera and purchasing one would involve spending money. So we'll see. I'm gonna start looking around for cheap cameras, maybe see if I can find a used one online.
That's another thing I'm extremely excited about. Transition. Throughout the summer, I've been struggling with family, and I'm sure it will be a continued struggle, but if it's possible for me to start hormones without going broke, I'm doing it. Ideally, my insurance from LC/NA will cover it so all I need to pay is a small co-pay. If that doesn't work out, I'll be fundraising and it'll happen somehow.
I've been dogsitting this past week for my roommate's dog. He's a good dog and all, but I'm glad she's coming home today. I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep because he barks, or growls, or pokes his nose in my face throughout the night. So here's to a full night's sleep coming my way.
Tonight I'm off to make pad thai with Sam. Well, maybe some other food, but last time we discussed it we were gonna make pad thai. We're also going to finish the last half of "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" which we didn't finish last week mainly because I crashed and needed to go sleep.
News in life.. Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm excited. Rex is a great kid, I'm going to miss him, but I am ready for LVC. I am both excited and nervous for orientation. I'll get to see Kristin again, and I haven't seen her since our re-entry meeting I think. I'll get to visit with Meghan for an evening, also a good thing. I'm also excited to meet my housemates. I'm also nervous about that. I still haven't heard anything from anyone but the housemate who initiated emailing with her question about crock pots. Then I sent an email where I came out in addition to responding to the crock pot question. And then silence. No one else has emailed. Oh well.
I wasn't expecting anyone to say anything about the trans stuff, but I was expecting them to at least introduce themselves. I guess it might be a little overwhelming, maybe they felt the best thing to do was just not say anything. I tried to keep it simple, mainly just because I wanted to inform them before orientation. I didn't get into the fact that I don't see myself as "a man" but that I feel more like not woman, not man, mainly because I didn't want to make the email a soapbox for me to talk about trans activism.
I'm also looking forward to working for LC/NA. The whole gay-for-pay thing is pretty exciting. Unless there's some jekyll and hyde stuff going on at the office, my co-workers are all really awesome people.
I'm thinking about starting some video blogs, aka "vlogs" to document transition since I'm planning on starting hormones. The one hitch in this plan is that I don't have a camera and purchasing one would involve spending money. So we'll see. I'm gonna start looking around for cheap cameras, maybe see if I can find a used one online.
That's another thing I'm extremely excited about. Transition. Throughout the summer, I've been struggling with family, and I'm sure it will be a continued struggle, but if it's possible for me to start hormones without going broke, I'm doing it. Ideally, my insurance from LC/NA will cover it so all I need to pay is a small co-pay. If that doesn't work out, I'll be fundraising and it'll happen somehow.
I've been dogsitting this past week for my roommate's dog. He's a good dog and all, but I'm glad she's coming home today. I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep because he barks, or growls, or pokes his nose in my face throughout the night. So here's to a full night's sleep coming my way.
Tonight I'm off to make pad thai with Sam. Well, maybe some other food, but last time we discussed it we were gonna make pad thai. We're also going to finish the last half of "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" which we didn't finish last week mainly because I crashed and needed to go sleep.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Summer is busy
It has been a while. Life has just been really busy it seems.
Here's a Quick List of What's Happened Lately
-I've move into my house for the summer, and started taking care of Rex during the days. -Iowa has been flooded, I evacuated my house. Luckily everything was fine in my house.
-Decorah's First Annual Pride Celebration featuring a concert by the amazing Namoli Brennet
-Sumner visiting for a few days. We got a song written, go us
-Butch vegetarian cooking with Sam Kemp, so far we've made eggplant parmesan and curry
-Met my supervisor for next year and the current Lutherans Concerned LVCer, I'll be going out to San Francisco for the annual Lutherans Concerned conference the week of the fourth of July
And I think that pretty much brings me up to date. I'm currently doing summer seminars for the diversity center. So far we've got around a quarter of the kids here. One frustrating thing is one of the other RAs, who has never done summer seminars before, is really getting on my nerves. Last night at dinner he talked about himself the whole time. When we went to movie gallery, he set down his movie gallery card with showing his ID and left the building. We had to go chase him down. He then proceeded to take half of the kids with him in the vehicle he had driven without waiting for us to count them, and sent kids back in vehicles they didn't arrive in. This might not seem like that big of a deal, but when we drive the kids places, they need to return in the vehicle they arrived in. Then we know who is or isn't missing. Then, when he got back, he took off and just left the kids outside Farwell. The other two vans hadn't even gotten back to Farwell yet. He needs to communicate with the rest of the RAs. So far it just feels like he's just another person the rest of the RAs need to keep track of. I'm trying to be patient though. Anyways. I've vented, I feel a little better about it.
Last night I got to go hang out with Drea for a few hours. It was really good to see her and catch up about life. We ended up just sitting in her sister's backyard talking about the Lutheran church, seminary (she wants to be a pastor), what's new in our lives. It made me feel a little nostalgic for the times when my friends were all in town, and we could hang out all together and see each other more than once a year. On the other hand, I am really happy that we've all stayed in touch as well as we have. I guess it's the perils of having friends that graduate before or after you do.
Here's a Quick List of What's Happened Lately
-I've move into my house for the summer, and started taking care of Rex during the days. -Iowa has been flooded, I evacuated my house. Luckily everything was fine in my house.
-Decorah's First Annual Pride Celebration featuring a concert by the amazing Namoli Brennet
-Sumner visiting for a few days. We got a song written, go us
-Butch vegetarian cooking with Sam Kemp, so far we've made eggplant parmesan and curry
-Met my supervisor for next year and the current Lutherans Concerned LVCer, I'll be going out to San Francisco for the annual Lutherans Concerned conference the week of the fourth of July
And I think that pretty much brings me up to date. I'm currently doing summer seminars for the diversity center. So far we've got around a quarter of the kids here. One frustrating thing is one of the other RAs, who has never done summer seminars before, is really getting on my nerves. Last night at dinner he talked about himself the whole time. When we went to movie gallery, he set down his movie gallery card with showing his ID and left the building. We had to go chase him down. He then proceeded to take half of the kids with him in the vehicle he had driven without waiting for us to count them, and sent kids back in vehicles they didn't arrive in. This might not seem like that big of a deal, but when we drive the kids places, they need to return in the vehicle they arrived in. Then we know who is or isn't missing. Then, when he got back, he took off and just left the kids outside Farwell. The other two vans hadn't even gotten back to Farwell yet. He needs to communicate with the rest of the RAs. So far it just feels like he's just another person the rest of the RAs need to keep track of. I'm trying to be patient though. Anyways. I've vented, I feel a little better about it.
Last night I got to go hang out with Drea for a few hours. It was really good to see her and catch up about life. We ended up just sitting in her sister's backyard talking about the Lutheran church, seminary (she wants to be a pastor), what's new in our lives. It made me feel a little nostalgic for the times when my friends were all in town, and we could hang out all together and see each other more than once a year. On the other hand, I am really happy that we've all stayed in touch as well as we have. I guess it's the perils of having friends that graduate before or after you do.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
why being outed sucks, or, please respect my own body knowledge and experience thank you very much
Today I was outed for the first time in a really long time. I mean, I suppose I get "outed" in different ways all the time, people read me as queer, or people mention that I like girls. And that's fine and all. I've just never been outed as a trans person before and really, it was kind of nerve wracking and frustrating on several levels.
One of the placements I interviewed with for LVC called up one of my references asking about "Dylan." Now, it could've been worse. The person he called was luckily the adviser for the lgbta group here. However, she still was not aware that I am trans, and that I am going by Dylan. So I got a voice message from her during class asking me to stop by her office because she had an LVC question. I go by, and she asks me about it, I tell her that yes, I'm planning on transitioning. She proceeds to express shock and disappointment that I would give up being a woman, talking about how I am such a strong woman, that part of the reason she wants me to nanny for Rex is so that he has an example of a "strong, beautiful woman" around. *sigh* I explain to her that I've struggled with this for a long time, and that I am extraordinarily unhappy in my body. She suggested that I wait a few years after college to "find my voice" and that once I get away from "small minded Lutherans" I'll feel more comfortable being a woman, and that women go through cycles and transformations. She also made some comments about trust, and how I won't be trusted as easily as a man. *sigh*
I know she means well, and I know she was saying these things because she does care about me. But honestly I'm a little hurt and a little offended. I know that I am unhappy in my body, and that it's not about having low self-esteem, or wanting privilege. My identity is part of my bodily, lived experience, which is valid and a truth. The fact that I am trans doesn't change my queerness, my politics, my feminism, my activism, or who I am as a person. In particular I wanted to emphasize to her that my feminism is not implicit in having female secondary sex characteristics. I am still perfectly capable of transitioning and being feminist. Yes, I know that being read as a man in society will come with privilege. For me, I'm reading it as more subversive. I am not transitioning for the bonus perks of manhood. Transition can be seen as revealing how little there is between men and women. As I mentioned when I wrote about Max Valerio, transsexuality reveals the tenuous nature of the line between woman and man.
The whole situation reminded me of reading about bodies in Eli Clare's "Exile and Pride." In particular, his discussion of bodies, and how bodies can be home. I understand Eli when he says "home starts here in my body, in all that lies embedded beneath my skin," when he talks about how our culture and class and background are all aspects of our bodies as home. My body was home in my childhood, I felt comfortable and safe in my body. It was at puberty that my body turned on my, and started changing and that was when my body ceased to be completely home. Even today, I fight with my body as home. I know my parts of my body as home, I've learned that directing my frustration at my body itself isn't effective and is detrimental to my health.
I would be remiss if I didn't admit that the mere fact that I will be able to afford transition has class implications. I am white and upper/middle class, and educated. I don't know what it feels like to grow up in a rural community, in a working class community. The fact that I will be able to make my body home, to make my body that bridge, is evidence of my class standing, and I will need to deal with that.
My interaction with the pride adviser was frustrating because I didn't know how to explain to her that I want to be fully home in my body again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel a disconnect between my image of who I am in my head. In the end, I wish I could explain to her that I will finally feel at home in my body when I can take hormones and have surgery, and that it has nothing to do with wanting to not be a woman, or wanting male privilege.
One of the placements I interviewed with for LVC called up one of my references asking about "Dylan." Now, it could've been worse. The person he called was luckily the adviser for the lgbta group here. However, she still was not aware that I am trans, and that I am going by Dylan. So I got a voice message from her during class asking me to stop by her office because she had an LVC question. I go by, and she asks me about it, I tell her that yes, I'm planning on transitioning. She proceeds to express shock and disappointment that I would give up being a woman, talking about how I am such a strong woman, that part of the reason she wants me to nanny for Rex is so that he has an example of a "strong, beautiful woman" around. *sigh* I explain to her that I've struggled with this for a long time, and that I am extraordinarily unhappy in my body. She suggested that I wait a few years after college to "find my voice" and that once I get away from "small minded Lutherans" I'll feel more comfortable being a woman, and that women go through cycles and transformations. She also made some comments about trust, and how I won't be trusted as easily as a man. *sigh*
I know she means well, and I know she was saying these things because she does care about me. But honestly I'm a little hurt and a little offended. I know that I am unhappy in my body, and that it's not about having low self-esteem, or wanting privilege. My identity is part of my bodily, lived experience, which is valid and a truth. The fact that I am trans doesn't change my queerness, my politics, my feminism, my activism, or who I am as a person. In particular I wanted to emphasize to her that my feminism is not implicit in having female secondary sex characteristics. I am still perfectly capable of transitioning and being feminist. Yes, I know that being read as a man in society will come with privilege. For me, I'm reading it as more subversive. I am not transitioning for the bonus perks of manhood. Transition can be seen as revealing how little there is between men and women. As I mentioned when I wrote about Max Valerio, transsexuality reveals the tenuous nature of the line between woman and man.
The whole situation reminded me of reading about bodies in Eli Clare's "Exile and Pride." In particular, his discussion of bodies, and how bodies can be home. I understand Eli when he says "home starts here in my body, in all that lies embedded beneath my skin," when he talks about how our culture and class and background are all aspects of our bodies as home. My body was home in my childhood, I felt comfortable and safe in my body. It was at puberty that my body turned on my, and started changing and that was when my body ceased to be completely home. Even today, I fight with my body as home. I know my parts of my body as home, I've learned that directing my frustration at my body itself isn't effective and is detrimental to my health.
I would be remiss if I didn't admit that the mere fact that I will be able to afford transition has class implications. I am white and upper/middle class, and educated. I don't know what it feels like to grow up in a rural community, in a working class community. The fact that I will be able to make my body home, to make my body that bridge, is evidence of my class standing, and I will need to deal with that.
My interaction with the pride adviser was frustrating because I didn't know how to explain to her that I want to be fully home in my body again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel a disconnect between my image of who I am in my head. In the end, I wish I could explain to her that I will finally feel at home in my body when I can take hormones and have surgery, and that it has nothing to do with wanting to not be a woman, or wanting male privilege.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Beirut
Today I bought all the Beirut music I could off of iTunes. I've been listening to it while I've been double checking my LVC application. I love their music. It just fills me with a sense of.. happiness. It's not overly joyful music, just.. good music.
Anyways. I'm nervous about my LVC application. I still haven't heard back yet from my third reference person.. to make sure she's turned it in and all. I know that I could always just turn my application in during the second round. But I really would rather go in the first round just so if I for some reason don't get in will be able to plan for something else for next year fairly easily.
Anyways. I just thought you all should know that Beirut is an amazing group of musicians. So go listen.
Anyways. I'm nervous about my LVC application. I still haven't heard back yet from my third reference person.. to make sure she's turned it in and all. I know that I could always just turn my application in during the second round. But I really would rather go in the first round just so if I for some reason don't get in will be able to plan for something else for next year fairly easily.
Anyways. I just thought you all should know that Beirut is an amazing group of musicians. So go listen.
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