Sunday, December 9, 2007

oh the weather

I really miss the sun. I mean, the sun still rises every day and all that, but I miss having more sunlight in the day. This weekend I've really just felt like sleeping all the time, and I've been feeling grouchy. It's probably also a combination of the end of the semester, going home, feeling stressed, all that stuff.
Speaking of going home, I'm a little nervous about it. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I believe that part of my anxiety about it is that I feel my parents think I'm just going through a tranny phase. I feel like I have to keep bringing it up with them, and I don't really know how. I don't know how to talk to them about it. I understand they need time to adjust and all, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still feel kind of invisible to them. Not to mention, I want to tell them that I've picked out a name. I want to tell my brother and my sister, but I can't imagine that they would take it well. Rob might be ok with it, but Natalie? I have no idea how she'd react.
And hell, sometimes I wonder if I'm just going through a tranny phase. And if so, how do I explain that? "Sorry everyone, I was just kidding" doesn't really seem to cut it. I am so scared of losing.. something.. if I transition. I'm not even sure what it is I'm scared of losing. I'm worried that I'll have to date straight women for one thing. And I don't want to do that. Maybe I just took the easy way out of having low self esteem by blaming it on gender. Or maybe I just read so much in the HQ section, and in classes and just adopted it because it seemed cool, or because it would make people like me, or think I was interesting?
Either way. There are things that I am looking forward to over break. Playing guitar with Sumner, hanging out with friends from high school, seeing the stage crew guys again, going to the cities, New Year's Eve. I just have to make myself actually get my school work done first! =)


Quaking Aspen said...

ahhhhhhhh dyl-dyl. I like reading your blog. It gives me a lot to think about.

you should email ty!

Anonymous said...

i'm glad you like it. it gives me a lot to think about too.. clearly.. =)

Sam Love said...

(Sorry in advance, but this is super long.)

I know how you feel about the whole "tranny phase" thing. I kinda feel like the same thing happened with my and my guy friends. I first told a bunch of them about it soph. year and they were suprisingly cool about it. We spent a lot of time talking about operations and therapies, what my name would be, etc. I even had a few of them ask me if it was okay to use male pronouns with me. (Um... yeah!)

Then, as the months passed, things changed. I don't mean that my feeling about being transgender changed because I certainly still lump myself into that category. What changed was how I felt about changing my body. Three years ago, I was all about lopping of the ol' breasticles and pumping myself full of testosterone in order for society to see me as I truly feel on the inside. Now, it's almost the opposite. I don't feel like I should have to change who I am physically for society to treat me the way I feel I should be treated. I feel like I can change people's perspectives on gender one person at a time just by being who/what I am right now.

Toward the end of college, the guys kept asking me if I was still planning on "going under the knife" and all that. When I said, "No, not at this point" the looks on their faces made it seem like I had just said "Sorry everyone, I was just kidding." And, sadly, some of them changed they way they acted around me because of this.

I'm pretty sure you know this already, but it's called a "transition" because it takes time. And while some things may stay the same over that time, others may not. One of the things that I've experienced with coming out is that people see it in such a black and white way. "Oh, she told me she's gay, so this, this, and this are going to be different now in this certain way." But a transition is a change, and you certainly have the right to change your mind about things along the way. And like all changes in life, things don't always go the way you expect or result in the way you originally intended. But when the change is about you, sometimes it's hard to get other people to understand that.

Don't know if that helps at all or if I'm just writing a comment longer than this post, but I'll be thinking about you over break. Give me a call if you want to talk.

Anonymous said...

sam, you are so very wise. i am lucky to have you as a friend.