Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve service

We just got back from the Christmas Eve service at church. For some reason, attending church at home has the ability to bring out these strange Mary Daly-esque ideas and urges in my head. Church other places, I'm fine. Church at Christ Church in Mequon, Mary Daly sneaks out of whatever deep crevice in my brain I've hid her and starts whispering in my ears. Stuff like "all religion is patriarchal and evil," "remember that sermon on homosexuality pastor gives? all these people think you're gonna burn in hell because you are unnatural and sinful," "jesus was poor and even if he was god he wouldn't have come just to give all you wealthy people more money. blessed are the poor means people who aren't going home to open piles of presents." and "look at how those hymns tie masculinity to dominance and control." And I try to tell her to shut up and go away and just let myself enjoy being with my family. I think about Christmas's past. And I try to ignore my sister asking me why I'm not singing, why I'm not going up for communion.. etc. But sometimes she just slips through anyways.

Tonight some of it might be the fact that I had to wear a particular pair of flared black pants that my mother strongly encouraged me to purchase under duress. So I had been a little irritable to start with. The whole experience caused me to break into tears in Macy's to give you an idea of the situation. It was later that day that I ended up coming out to my parents (again). Still. I have the pants. And it's not physically the pants themselves, its just the memory of the buying situation and the fact that my mother insists on telling me how nice I look in them. I keep wanting to tell her "Mom, no matter how often you tell me I look nice as a girl, or how happy I seemed as a child, I don't want to 'just be a lesbian' so please stop it." But I think that would be the wrong response.

One of my favorite Christmas memories was when we lived in Ohio and the Sunday School kids all put on a Christmas pagent. I got to be Herod and I think it was my favorite church play role ever. I got to wear a green toga, a nifty belt, a crown of fake leaves, and sandals. My one line was "There shall be a census." I was pretty proud of my 12 yr old gender bending self.

Either way. We're off to the annual church Christmas party that occurs between services. Hurray.

1 comment:

chris said...

I can completely relate to your experience.

You do have a terrific life ahead of you.