Sometimes I feel like even though I've gotten to the point where I know that I need to transition, and that it's the right choice for me, it'll never actually happen. That I will never get rid of the complete and utter disconnect between my inner embodiment and my physical embodiment. I'm feeling like my body has betrayed me and playing some cruel prank on me by having the breasts and hips it does.
Nonetheless, life strangely enough feels incredibly static right now. Bizarre since my senior paper is due tomorrow, graduation is less than a month away, and I still haven't decided what I'm going to do this summer. And again, I feel like I'm never actually going to accomplish any of the physical changes I need to make to live and stay sane.
I hate being melodramatic like that. Oh well. Cliché as it may be, I know that transitioning sooner rather than later will definitely contribute in a positive way to my well being.
And now, I really need to finish my senior paper. Since it's due tomorrow at 5. *sigh*
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Sunday, November 18, 2007
openness
I've been realizing lately that I have problems opening up to people. I don't have problems making friends, or caring about people. Dont' get me wrong, I care deeply about a lot of people. At the same time I like being able to hold people at a distance, to keep parts of myself from other people. I think it's partially because I'm scared that if I open up to someone completely, I won't have any defenses left. I also think that part of it is also that I have a bad tendency to just close off and shut down when I feel out of control, or threatened, or scared. It feels easier to shut down and not feel anything than to feel hurt.
For example, my dad called today. We talked about the fact that I am flat broke, mainly why I didn't tell my parents I didn't have money. He asked me how I was doing, and I just shrugged it off and said that I'm doing fine. School is busy, but I'm fine. What I really should have said is that I'm going through a rather difficult time emotionally, I have no motivation to finish school right now, I'm trying to talk to people about it so I can work through it and function again but it's difficult for me to ask for help. It's difficult for me to admit that I'm having a hard time. But I didn't. My parents love me, I know this. They managed to survive me coming out to them three different times, which is quite astonishing as it is, and they have always supported me in many many ways. If anything I should be able to open up enough to just say that I'm having a hard time but I'm getting through it. But I couldn't.
And of course the strangest thing is that I'm willing to just throw this up on the internet where anyone can read it. There's something to be said for a sense of anonymity I suppose.
For example, my dad called today. We talked about the fact that I am flat broke, mainly why I didn't tell my parents I didn't have money. He asked me how I was doing, and I just shrugged it off and said that I'm doing fine. School is busy, but I'm fine. What I really should have said is that I'm going through a rather difficult time emotionally, I have no motivation to finish school right now, I'm trying to talk to people about it so I can work through it and function again but it's difficult for me to ask for help. It's difficult for me to admit that I'm having a hard time. But I didn't. My parents love me, I know this. They managed to survive me coming out to them three different times, which is quite astonishing as it is, and they have always supported me in many many ways. If anything I should be able to open up enough to just say that I'm having a hard time but I'm getting through it. But I couldn't.
And of course the strangest thing is that I'm willing to just throw this up on the internet where anyone can read it. There's something to be said for a sense of anonymity I suppose.
Monday, November 5, 2007
bad body days
Just a warning, this post may be a little whiny, a little emo, and possibly a little self-centered though I'll try to keep it to a minimum. So if that's not your thing, you've been warned.
Today has been a bad body day. Usually, I'm able to get along with my body pretty well. I can ignore that I have breasts, and the day goes pretty well. Unfortunately there are days like today where I just feel them all the time. They shift around, they feel like they are bouncing all over the place, they itch, they generally feel huge and cumbersome.
Days like this are just really hard. I try to remember that there are many people in the world who have it a lot worse than I do, and my problems are small potatoes compared to a lot of shit people deal with. Still, it's difficult. It's hard to have a good day or even an ok day when I can't stop thinking about the breasts. And unfortunately my binder is getting ragged and stretched out so it isn't as effective. I still have my ace bandage, but that does horrible things to ones back. I've gotten bruised ribs before and that's just not comfortable either.
I've been realizing more and more this year that there is a huge disconnect between what my mental image of myself is and what I see when I look in the mirror. Its rather disconcerting. I know that that's me, but some days its like "oh right, I have those breast things."
Either way. Tomorrow will be a new day.
Today has been a bad body day. Usually, I'm able to get along with my body pretty well. I can ignore that I have breasts, and the day goes pretty well. Unfortunately there are days like today where I just feel them all the time. They shift around, they feel like they are bouncing all over the place, they itch, they generally feel huge and cumbersome.
Days like this are just really hard. I try to remember that there are many people in the world who have it a lot worse than I do, and my problems are small potatoes compared to a lot of shit people deal with. Still, it's difficult. It's hard to have a good day or even an ok day when I can't stop thinking about the breasts. And unfortunately my binder is getting ragged and stretched out so it isn't as effective. I still have my ace bandage, but that does horrible things to ones back. I've gotten bruised ribs before and that's just not comfortable either.
I've been realizing more and more this year that there is a huge disconnect between what my mental image of myself is and what I see when I look in the mirror. Its rather disconcerting. I know that that's me, but some days its like "oh right, I have those breast things."
Either way. Tomorrow will be a new day.
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