Monday, March 17, 2008

so i realize i've kinda been on a hiatus..

So far this semester I realize that I've mostly just blogged for my class. In case any of you were confused by some of my recent entries, that's what's going on. I'm using this blog as a digital format to do some of my journaling for a women and gender studies course I'm taking called "confronting the border." So feel free to disregard those entries if I'm referencing readings from class and whatnot. Hell, feel free to disregard any of my entries.

Anyways. The hiatus was because I was overwhelmed by life and didn't even really have any time to blog about it. Which isn't a good sign, but that's ok. I've been working on my senior paper because I 'm presenting it in two weekends at the Midwest Sociological Society Meeting. That's been a little crazy. In addition, it just seems like February was ridiculously busy with conferences and events and so on.

Also, I've been thinking a lot of being trans, surgery, hormones, all of that stuff. I mean, I am writing my senior paper on FTMs construction of their identity, so I get to think about all of this academically AND in my spare time when I'm freaking out about who I am.

I've decided that I do want to start hormones as soon as possible. As some of you know (mainly those of you who probably know me in life outside the internet), I've gone back and forth about hormones for a while. I've come to the conclusion that part of the reason I was waiting on hormones was because I didn't know how to deal with my family. I still don't know how to deal with my family, but I can't put their comfort before mine. And I don't want to get to be 30 years old and still in this body as it is. It'd kinda be like being the 40 year old virgin. Except in a trans context.. maybe the metaphor doesn't actually work. You decide on your own. Spring break, I'm laying it on the table for my parents. Telling them that this is what I need to do, that I can't put it off anymore. I'm still not sure how to talk to Rob and Natalie about it. Probably something along the same lines, except without the insurance coverage implications.

Now, I just need the insurance company to actually tell me what is and isn't covered under my insurance plan. I need to deal with the fact that my insurance will be changing, getting loans, talking with my immediate and extended family, trying to get letters with the minimal amount of money spent on therapy. Maybe I'm just egotistical, but I feel like I'm pretty well balanced. I think it's ridiculous that I need to pay a ridiculous amount of money for someone to confirm that I am indeed mentally stable and indeed should have hormones. Really, the whole thing kinda makes me want to cry. One of those good, exhausting cries where you can just get it all out and feel better.

Sorry if this was a bit of a disjointed post. I've just been feeling kinda weird lately, and realized I've been keeping a lot of stuff inside and not talking about it. So I'm working on that. Friends, if I've been standoff-ish lately, or held you at a distance emotionally, it's not you. I apologize and I'm working on it. I do appreciate every one of you for being supportive, caring and letting me grow and change. Now, I am off to counseling services to schedule a much needed and delayed appointment with Stu. Woo.