I finished my last day of jterm ever today. Woohoo! I'm pretty excited about it. The class went well, even if it did drag during the discussions. The ride home today was rough. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for a long time. My lower back started freaking out on me. It's been rather upset lately, what with the cold, ace bandaging and sitting in the car. I should probably ease up on the ace bandages, and order a new binder already, as has been pointed out to me more than once in the past few days. =)
Anyways, it's just my parents and I at home this weekend. My brother is back to college and my sister is traveling with friends. It's strange, after you grow up with these two other people, always being around them, knowing what's going on in their lives, sneaking into each others rooms in the middle of the night to talk, then suddenly you're in college, and we don't really talk anymore. I think part of why I feel distant from my family is that I don't know how to talk to them about being queer. When I first came out I was terrified of being rejected, and I just let so many things go unsaid. I've never actually spoken to my brother and sister about it. They know that I prefer dating women, my mother and I have talked about the fact that they know. I'm pretty sure they don't know I want to cut off my breasts though. I often feel like being at home puts a "don't ask don't tell" policy into effect in my life. Part of that is my fault though. I don't make the effort to open up to my family, to let them in to that part of my life. I am the one that keeps jumping back into my role as Amy, the oldest daughter, the older sister, instead of just being who I've become in the past four years.
Since my brother and sister aren't home, I've resolved to sit down and talk with my parents. I want to tell them I've picked out a new name. I also want to reiterate that I want surgery, and that I am already planning for it. I would also like to ask them for a very small loan so I can purchase a new binder. As I mentioned before, the ace bandage is not treating my body well and I shouldn't do that to myself.
On a completely different topic, I watched the movie Gray Matters this evening. Woo netflix. It's a decent movie. Much better than many "lesbian movies" in the world. And Rachel Shelley is in it and that's great. I think she's hot. She's not a main character, but that's perfectly ok with me. I was actually planning on going to sleep and watching the movie tomorrow. But after laying in bed with the lights off for 45 minutes without even feeling tired I decided to just watch the movie.
Interesting fact from my life, it seems that every time I come back to Milwaukee, I have a hard time falling asleep the first few nights. Maybe it's just sleeping in a different place. Or maybe it's because I usually resolve to talk to my parents/family and then get worked up about it and psyche myself out. One of my friends told me I over analyze sometimes. That's probably true. Actually, I know it's true. Luckily it's also true that I only over analyze sometimes. I'm starting to ramble. Here's to take two of trying to fall asleep.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Why I Don't Like Doctors
As a warning, this is a depressing post. I've been thinking about it a lot, it's been bothering me, and I think I'll just put it out there.
I just found out my mother wants me to go to the doctor next Tuesday when I'm home for Jbreak. I really don't like going to the doctor. My stomach ties itself in knots, I get sweaty and shaky, and generally feel like shit. Really, I'm getting anxious thinking about having to go to the doctor next week as it is. I need a little more time to prepare.
I used to not mind going to the doctor. When I was very young, under 7, our pediatrician was Dr. Rock and all my memories of him are good. He would let me hang on to my bear, Griz, when I was getting shots which was nice.
Unfortunately.. when I was in 8th or 9th grade I had a not so nice experience with the doctor. In order to play softball on the school team, I needed to have a physical. So my mom schedules an appointment, and we go to the doctor. The female doctor I normally saw wasn't there and the only doctor available was a guy who was doing some temporary work at the clinic.
Anyways. So we go in and he starts asking the usual general health questions, and tests my reflexes and vision and looks in my ears. He listens to my heart with the stethoscope. Instead of putting it down the back of my shirt like the other doctor, he put it on my chest. That was when I started to feel uncomfortable. He asked me to lay down on the table, and does the thing where they press on your abdomen to check for weird stuff. Or whatever it's for. Then he tells me he has to check my genitals, since I've started menstruating. And.. yeah. He puts on a glove, pulls down my underwear and touches the labia. He put a finger inside me. It was.. not ok. I felt horrible. He stopped, took off the glove, told me I could head back to my mother in this really cheerful voice. I get up, go back out to my mom and just kinda sit there. The doctor comes out later, I don't know how long, and gives the information sheet to my mother saying I have a clean bill of health.
I never told my mother. I really tried hard to forget it. I managed to all through high school until I got to college and got involved in feminist and queer activism. Even then I didn't really talk about it. I told a few people. I just didn't want to deal with. I still really haven't. I'm still utterly terrified of doctors. I haven't been able to go to the gynecologist yet, even one who's a woman. I just get freaked out. You'd think I'd be able to work past that. *sigh* Well. This is enough depressing blogging for now. I'm gonna go enjoy the sun.
I just found out my mother wants me to go to the doctor next Tuesday when I'm home for Jbreak. I really don't like going to the doctor. My stomach ties itself in knots, I get sweaty and shaky, and generally feel like shit. Really, I'm getting anxious thinking about having to go to the doctor next week as it is. I need a little more time to prepare.
I used to not mind going to the doctor. When I was very young, under 7, our pediatrician was Dr. Rock and all my memories of him are good. He would let me hang on to my bear, Griz, when I was getting shots which was nice.
Unfortunately.. when I was in 8th or 9th grade I had a not so nice experience with the doctor. In order to play softball on the school team, I needed to have a physical. So my mom schedules an appointment, and we go to the doctor. The female doctor I normally saw wasn't there and the only doctor available was a guy who was doing some temporary work at the clinic.
Anyways. So we go in and he starts asking the usual general health questions, and tests my reflexes and vision and looks in my ears. He listens to my heart with the stethoscope. Instead of putting it down the back of my shirt like the other doctor, he put it on my chest. That was when I started to feel uncomfortable. He asked me to lay down on the table, and does the thing where they press on your abdomen to check for weird stuff. Or whatever it's for. Then he tells me he has to check my genitals, since I've started menstruating. And.. yeah. He puts on a glove, pulls down my underwear and touches the labia. He put a finger inside me. It was.. not ok. I felt horrible. He stopped, took off the glove, told me I could head back to my mother in this really cheerful voice. I get up, go back out to my mom and just kinda sit there. The doctor comes out later, I don't know how long, and gives the information sheet to my mother saying I have a clean bill of health.
I never told my mother. I really tried hard to forget it. I managed to all through high school until I got to college and got involved in feminist and queer activism. Even then I didn't really talk about it. I told a few people. I just didn't want to deal with. I still really haven't. I'm still utterly terrified of doctors. I haven't been able to go to the gynecologist yet, even one who's a woman. I just get freaked out. You'd think I'd be able to work past that. *sigh* Well. This is enough depressing blogging for now. I'm gonna go enjoy the sun.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
...
More Cher. This time Edwin and his friends are having a sing-a-long in the cluster. *sigh* I think I might need to invest in a pair of ear plugs. Seriously, do they need to be this loud at 2am?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
jerk face
So a few days ago the boyfriend of one of my cluster mates was visiting her. There were some Republican presidential candidate debates on TV, and I came in to watch the debates. Joe, the jerk face, was watching and yammering on about his ideas. Huckabee was answering a question, and Joe said the following: "I like Huckabee. If I wasn't a democrat, I would vote for Huckabee." Then I said that Huckabee has some scary policy ideas, and that he has said some horrible things, comparing homosexuals to pedophiles and necrophiliacs. And then jerk face said "Honestly, no offense or anything, but homosexual rights just aren't high on my political agenda, unlike you I don't really consider it when I'm pick my candidate." And my response was that it's not about homosexual rights, that is a hateful thing to say, and I don't think someone who says something like that would be a good leader. And his response was "oh, so.. you know.. it's like.. cause it's an insult" and then he mumbled off. And I left the room cause I was pissed.
Joe,
Point one, what kind of democrat are you if you say something like "if I wasn't a democrat, I'd vote for Huckabee." You probably actually aren't a democrat then. You probably just vote democratic because you think you should instead of actually believing in the policies. And personally, I'd rather you vote for what you actually believe in.
Point two, the phrase "homosexual rights" it a little outdated.
Point three, you assumed that I am/identify as a "homosexual," which kinda bothers me.
Point four, you made an assumption about my political issues, and their level of importance for me. Yes, I care about "homosexual rights," but they are not my primary issue when I'm considering presidential candidates. This is for several reasons. The first (you might call it point 4a) is that the main issue that is getting pushed by many people in the "homosexual rights" movement is gay marriage. I'm not a fan of the institution of marriage. I think the idea of committing to being with one person is a beautiful idea. I think the economic and social benefits that marriage bestows on couples are ridiculous. Marriage privileges one particular type of relationship over all others, and I don't think that's right. Point 4b, gay marriage is most likely not going to be legalized in the next four years.
Point five, you were being extraordinarily insensitive. Huckabee compared us queers to necrophiliacs. If you can't understand why that upsets me, and if you would still consider voting for someone who says that, you are not the liberal you think you are. The correct response would've been something along the lines of "oh, I didn't know that. That's not very nice of him." Or even, "I didn't know that" without saying anything about how little you care about "homosexual rights."
*sigh* Ok. Now I've got that out.
We watched the movie 28 Days Later in my Apocalypse: Then and Now class. I don't really like zombies. I will probably end up having a nightmare about zombies. At least it was during the day. It'll be interesting to see how the professor ties 28 Days Later to apocalypses.
Joe,
Point one, what kind of democrat are you if you say something like "if I wasn't a democrat, I'd vote for Huckabee." You probably actually aren't a democrat then. You probably just vote democratic because you think you should instead of actually believing in the policies. And personally, I'd rather you vote for what you actually believe in.
Point two, the phrase "homosexual rights" it a little outdated.
Point three, you assumed that I am/identify as a "homosexual," which kinda bothers me.
Point four, you made an assumption about my political issues, and their level of importance for me. Yes, I care about "homosexual rights," but they are not my primary issue when I'm considering presidential candidates. This is for several reasons. The first (you might call it point 4a) is that the main issue that is getting pushed by many people in the "homosexual rights" movement is gay marriage. I'm not a fan of the institution of marriage. I think the idea of committing to being with one person is a beautiful idea. I think the economic and social benefits that marriage bestows on couples are ridiculous. Marriage privileges one particular type of relationship over all others, and I don't think that's right. Point 4b, gay marriage is most likely not going to be legalized in the next four years.
Point five, you were being extraordinarily insensitive. Huckabee compared us queers to necrophiliacs. If you can't understand why that upsets me, and if you would still consider voting for someone who says that, you are not the liberal you think you are. The correct response would've been something along the lines of "oh, I didn't know that. That's not very nice of him." Or even, "I didn't know that" without saying anything about how little you care about "homosexual rights."
*sigh* Ok. Now I've got that out.
We watched the movie 28 Days Later in my Apocalypse: Then and Now class. I don't really like zombies. I will probably end up having a nightmare about zombies. At least it was during the day. It'll be interesting to see how the professor ties 28 Days Later to apocalypses.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I will forever be haunted by Cher
Today has been rather long. We watched a really trippy movie in my Apocalypse Then and Now class called 12 monkeys. It has Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt in it. Actually, it was some of the best acting I've ever seen Brad Pitt do. Not that I've seen all that many movies with Brad Pitt in them. Either way, it's basically a movie about Bruce Willis who is sent back from the future, where everyone left alive lives underground isolated from the surface, to find the pure form of this virus that wipes out all but 1% of humanity in 1997. He's sent back to 1996 to try and figure out where the virus is created so scientists from his time can analyze it and find a cure to the virus so humans can return to living about ground. There's lots of time travel, Bruce Willis's character is rather violent and can't figure out what is reality and whether or not he's crazy, and the time paradox severely hurt my brain.
After that, I watched my most recent netflix film, "The Ultimate Lesbian Short Film Festival," which really wasn't that great. There were a couple of good films, but nothing outstanding, and several not so good films. I think the film that I enjoyed most was a film about a lesbian daughter who comes home for her grandfather's funeral with a shaved head, and her mother wants her to wear a wig to the funeral so the extended family and friends won't know that the daughter is gay. There's a confrontation, and the mother admits that the reason she doesn't want anyone to know is because she hates the fact that her daughter is a lesbian. Later on, the mother is dropping her daughter off at the airport, and she tries to make small talk, and fails, and asks her daughter what she wants her to say, and the daughter says "you know what i want from you mom." The mom asks her daughter not to be mad at her, the daughter just looks at her, before softly saying "I'm not mad, goodbye mom" and walking away from the car towards the entrance to the airport. The mother then bursts out sobbing. I kinda hope that in the future they reconciled.
I was chatting with my friend James a little later, and he shared this link with me. It's a top 100 quotes from fundamentalist christians on message boards list. Most of them are just hilarious. A few of them are truly saddening though. A few choice quotes..
"If your original Hebrew disagrees with my original King James --- your original Hebrew is wrong. If your original Hebrew agrees with my original King James, your original Hebrew is right."
"The Fact the Earth is Flat is not my opinion, it is a Proved Fact! While all we need to know is that the Bible says the Earth is flat (Is.40:22, Ez.7:2, Dn.2:35; 4:10-11,20, Mt.4:8)... but for a second can you imagine what these so-called 'scientists would have us believe. If the earth really was round, that would mean there arre people who are HANGING DOWN, HEAD DOWNWARDS while we are standing head up? But since the theory allows to travel to those parts of the earth where the people are said to hand head downward, and still to fancy ourselves to be heads upwards, and our friends whom we have left behind us to be heads downwards! LOL! What foolishness!"
Really.. I think those quotes speak for themselves.
What else, I went to the co-op this afternoon. I bought some crackers, some orange switch soda, and some noodles that were on sale. The co-op has moved to it's new location, and it is looking really nice. It's at least two times the size of the other co-op, has a deli, a larger bulk foods section, and a larger alcohol section. They actually sell beer now, which is new. I got the coolest "borrow a bag." It is dark blue, with a rainbow stripe across it. A "borrow a bag" is a bag you borrow from the co-op to carry your groceries in, and then just return it later.
I went and hung out with Joe, Haley and Aimee and that was lots of fun. Aimee played guitar a little bit, we watched an episode and a half of Weeds, and I read portions of my book for my class aloud.
Speaking of the book, it's kinda entertaining. Lots of fire and brimstone. It's called "The Late Great Planet Earth" by Hal Lindsey. It was published in the 1970s. It's full of stuff about "Bible Prophecy." It goes through all the prophecies about Jesus, then goes on to say that there are a lot of prophecies in the Bible that haven't been fulfilled yet. Basically the guy then draws conclusions about when said prophecies will be fulfilled, concluding with the second coming of christ and the end of history as we know it. Intense, fire and brimstone stuff. I feel like the Lindsey has interpreted the "prophetic passages" without taken the historical context they were written in into account. Either way, discussion in class tomorrow will be interesting.
Right now, I think I need to go to bed. My cluster mate Edwin is slightly intoxicated and singing Cher at the top of his off-key lungs. The man loses all capability to sing vaguely in tune once you get a few shots in him. I would like to listen to as little of it as possible, so I'm going to sleep.
After that, I watched my most recent netflix film, "The Ultimate Lesbian Short Film Festival," which really wasn't that great. There were a couple of good films, but nothing outstanding, and several not so good films. I think the film that I enjoyed most was a film about a lesbian daughter who comes home for her grandfather's funeral with a shaved head, and her mother wants her to wear a wig to the funeral so the extended family and friends won't know that the daughter is gay. There's a confrontation, and the mother admits that the reason she doesn't want anyone to know is because she hates the fact that her daughter is a lesbian. Later on, the mother is dropping her daughter off at the airport, and she tries to make small talk, and fails, and asks her daughter what she wants her to say, and the daughter says "you know what i want from you mom." The mom asks her daughter not to be mad at her, the daughter just looks at her, before softly saying "I'm not mad, goodbye mom" and walking away from the car towards the entrance to the airport. The mother then bursts out sobbing. I kinda hope that in the future they reconciled.
I was chatting with my friend James a little later, and he shared this link with me. It's a top 100 quotes from fundamentalist christians on message boards list. Most of them are just hilarious. A few of them are truly saddening though. A few choice quotes..
"If your original Hebrew disagrees with my original King James --- your original Hebrew is wrong. If your original Hebrew agrees with my original King James, your original Hebrew is right."
"The Fact the Earth is Flat is not my opinion, it is a Proved Fact! While all we need to know is that the Bible says the Earth is flat (Is.40:22, Ez.7:2, Dn.2:35; 4:10-11,20, Mt.4:8)... but for a second can you imagine what these so-called 'scientists would have us believe. If the earth really was round, that would mean there arre people who are HANGING DOWN, HEAD DOWNWARDS while we are standing head up? But since the theory allows to travel to those parts of the earth where the people are said to hand head downward, and still to fancy ourselves to be heads upwards, and our friends whom we have left behind us to be heads downwards! LOL! What foolishness!"
Really.. I think those quotes speak for themselves.
What else, I went to the co-op this afternoon. I bought some crackers, some orange switch soda, and some noodles that were on sale. The co-op has moved to it's new location, and it is looking really nice. It's at least two times the size of the other co-op, has a deli, a larger bulk foods section, and a larger alcohol section. They actually sell beer now, which is new. I got the coolest "borrow a bag." It is dark blue, with a rainbow stripe across it. A "borrow a bag" is a bag you borrow from the co-op to carry your groceries in, and then just return it later.
I went and hung out with Joe, Haley and Aimee and that was lots of fun. Aimee played guitar a little bit, we watched an episode and a half of Weeds, and I read portions of my book for my class aloud.
Speaking of the book, it's kinda entertaining. Lots of fire and brimstone. It's called "The Late Great Planet Earth" by Hal Lindsey. It was published in the 1970s. It's full of stuff about "Bible Prophecy." It goes through all the prophecies about Jesus, then goes on to say that there are a lot of prophecies in the Bible that haven't been fulfilled yet. Basically the guy then draws conclusions about when said prophecies will be fulfilled, concluding with the second coming of christ and the end of history as we know it. Intense, fire and brimstone stuff. I feel like the Lindsey has interpreted the "prophetic passages" without taken the historical context they were written in into account. Either way, discussion in class tomorrow will be interesting.
Right now, I think I need to go to bed. My cluster mate Edwin is slightly intoxicated and singing Cher at the top of his off-key lungs. The man loses all capability to sing vaguely in tune once you get a few shots in him. I would like to listen to as little of it as possible, so I'm going to sleep.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
two days in a row!
I am on a roll. Yesterday I got sirred in the bookstore by the dude that is in charge of the bookstore. He said "How are you today, sir" and I responded just fine. At which point he apologizes. "I mean ma'am. I'm sorry, you know I just took a quick glance and with the short hair." I told him it was ok, not a problem, that I didn't actually care. And he kept talking about it. Followed me down the school supply aisle while I picked out my lovely blue 2" binder. Hehehe.
Today I was in the registrar's office and was talking with one of the women. My friend Taryn was waiting for me. One of the other women walks up to her, and asks her "do you need any help, or are you waiting for him?" This was particularly funny because I was talking with the other woman and the registrar at the time, and I believe I had been referred to as a "good girl" for paying attention to my program evaluation. Well, and I was talking. I don't have the deepest voice in the world. Hee hee.
I think what I enjoy the most about these sort of experiences is watching people when they realize that they've supposedly "messed up." They get so flustered.. and I just smile to myself.
Anyways. So I was in the registrar's office today because I realized I need to be taking a religion class Jterm. The course I took in Tanzania isn't transferring, and last time I tried to get it to transfer it get stuck in registrar hell. So I thought to myself, "self, you've already taken a capstone course. just drop the capstone course and sign up for a religion course." So I did. neat. Now I'm taking Apocalypse: Then and Now.
Yesterday Joe, Haley and I named my pipe. It's name is Hedwig, because it's an angry inch. Well technically it's larger than an inch, but it's tiny. Cute but mighty. Just like me... just kidding. =)
It's cold. My lower back muscles have seized up in protest. I hate it when they do that. Mainly cause even when I warm up again, they still freak out. Ugh. Anyways. I'm going to go finish my homework.
Today I was in the registrar's office and was talking with one of the women. My friend Taryn was waiting for me. One of the other women walks up to her, and asks her "do you need any help, or are you waiting for him?" This was particularly funny because I was talking with the other woman and the registrar at the time, and I believe I had been referred to as a "good girl" for paying attention to my program evaluation. Well, and I was talking. I don't have the deepest voice in the world. Hee hee.
I think what I enjoy the most about these sort of experiences is watching people when they realize that they've supposedly "messed up." They get so flustered.. and I just smile to myself.
Anyways. So I was in the registrar's office today because I realized I need to be taking a religion class Jterm. The course I took in Tanzania isn't transferring, and last time I tried to get it to transfer it get stuck in registrar hell. So I thought to myself, "self, you've already taken a capstone course. just drop the capstone course and sign up for a religion course." So I did. neat. Now I'm taking Apocalypse: Then and Now.
Yesterday Joe, Haley and I named my pipe. It's name is Hedwig, because it's an angry inch. Well technically it's larger than an inch, but it's tiny. Cute but mighty. Just like me... just kidding. =)
It's cold. My lower back muscles have seized up in protest. I hate it when they do that. Mainly cause even when I warm up again, they still freak out. Ugh. Anyways. I'm going to go finish my homework.
Monday, January 7, 2008
just kidding
I just realized something rather strange. Most of the time, I don't completely believe that conservatives actually believe in their policies and theories. Most of the time I almost feel like they're going to pop up and say "just kidding! we were only testing you! we don't really believe that conservative nonsense!" That's probably not the most intelligent thing I could think about conservatives.. *sigh* Either way. go easy on me, i only slept for an hour and a half last night.
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